My Testimony (Part 7)

I KNEW that God was answering my prayer to make me that man that my wife and kids needed me to be. Every day I rested in this fact, and I watched for the opportunities to continue to grow. I did not know that I was going to be going to prison, but I KNEW that God was performing His will. I KNEW that I wanted whatever needed to be done in order for me to become the man my family needed me to be. Sure... I wanted to go home, but not if I wasn't ready. What good would that do me? If I needed to go to prison in order for my prayer to be answered, then I was ready to go to prison. I KNEW that EVERYTHING that had happened in my life to this point, and that would happen, was for the best.



"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28



I thought I might go home, because I already felt like there had been many deep changes within me. When I saw Judge Neville, he sent me to prison though. When I went back to the holding cell, I danced. I trusted God completely, and I was excited to see what He had in store for me. The rest of the time in county, before I went to prison, everyone was just amazed that I was going to prison. Even the Deputies did not expect to see me have to go to prison, yet alone with a smile. God had blessed me though with great faith, comfort, and had destroyed all fear.



Once I got to RDU, my zeal and hope did not waiver. God continued to reveal Him self to me in mighty ways. My wife and I still argued horribly on the phone, and we could hardly even talk to each other. I felt so bad, and I just wanted to make things right, but I had hurt her so bad that there was no trust left. I would try to share things with her that I was beginning to understand and see, but they rightfully fell on deaf ears. I didn't deserve her respect, attention, nor trust.



The weight of my guilt for what I had done to my wife and my kids almost destroyed me. While I was in RDU though, God opened the book of Jeremiah to me. In this book, God's absolute sovereignty is portrayed in undeniable words. As God gave me understanding about His sovereignty, He showed me that in order for me to be where I was in that moment it required me to endure all of the things I had experienced over the course of my life.



All of the pain I had endured. All of the heart ache I had felt. All of the failures I had made. All of the pain I had caused. God showed me that just as all of these experiences were necessary for me to become who I was, such experiences are just as necessary in other people's lives. With this understanding He gave me this analogy in vivid detail.



I was driving my car down the road, and I continued to run over mailboxes. I felt so bad because I had done so much damage to other people's mailboxes. All the pain I had caused was just gut wrenching. I got over into the passenger seat, and asked Jesus to take the wheel. As He did, as I surrendered my will to Him because I did not want to hurt anyone anymore, I cried. I felt so bad for all of the pain I had caused, and I was guilty. I knew I had done it by trying to do things my way, and I felt so bad for what I had done. Jesus looked at me, and told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He had bore the shame and pain of the cross that I would not have to bare the guilt. He then told me that the mailboxes I had ran over needed to be replaced anyways. Nothing happens on accident, and God does not waste anything. It is through pain and trials that we grow, and Jesus would use my failures to shape those whom I had harmed. I knew that as long as He was driving, His will was being done instead of mine, that I would not be hitting anymore mailboxes. I did not want to hurt anyone ever again, but the guilt of what I had done was gone. God was in control, and God is good.



From this point forward I no longer have had to bare the guilt of what I did in my sin. I had repented, in truth, and I was forgiven. The repentance was genuine, for I never wanted, nor want, to repeat the things that I have done. Though I had been forgiven, and the weight of the guilt lifted, it did not automatically make things right with those I had hurt. I quit trying to share these things with my wife, for we were not at a place where we could share meaningful conversations. I had nothing to prove to anyone, and ONLY the consistent actions of love and time could heal what I had done. I continued to press forward, and I thanked God for the wisdom and understanding He had given me.

My Testimony (Part 1)

It doesn't matter what someone else has to say to us, unless we are humble enough to be able to receive it. Every one of us is right in our own eyes, and it requires humility and wisdom to be able to accept what another has to say when it is in contradiction to our beliefs. Though the things I am sharing are based in simple truth and facts, each of us must arrive at our own conclusions. There comes a time in our lives where we seem to just "wake up", and "get it". This is a defining turning point that we will never be able to forget. A moment of clarity where we are able to objectively see things about our self, and accept the truth for what it is. I want to share this moment from my life.



In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.



During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.

There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.



After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.



In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.



During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.



There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.



The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.



While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.



I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.



There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.



In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.



In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!



I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.

Now what?

As we begin to see the destruction and pain that our own selfishness has spawned over the course of our lives, we should feel a great sense of remorse. This is a natural occurrence. If we are truly accepting accountability for the consequences of our actions, and if we care at all about those people we have hurt, then we should feel the burden of regret. Don'tm run from this, and do not minimize it in order to avoid the personal pain and reality of what we have done in our life. Yes... We are responsible, and yes we have hurt a great deal of people.

It is not our perception that is relevant at this point. It does not matter if we think we were right. It does not even matter if we were right. It does not matter if we can validate or justify our actions. This is a time of truth, reflection, and seeing things from another person's perspective. Here is a perfect example of our natural tendency...

A husband and wife, who obviously have made a commitment to love one another, often exhibit behavior that is damaging to one another. A man and a woman are so different from one another, that it requires great mutual effort in communication to continue to grow together. Since the woman DOES not think like her husband, he is going to have to be patient with her when trying to convey his thoughts and feelings. He may get frustrated though, maybe even angry, and may even say hurtful things to his wife. He might tell her she is dumb or that she just never gets it, and he may feel more than justified in feeling the way he does. He probably even believes that it is her that is the problem.

So far, this situation is subjective. We need to look at things objectively, in a simple matter of fact perspective. If we love someone, why would we ever want to belittle them and make them feel stupid? Yet alone tell them such! Isn't that an oxymoron? We do it all the time though, and don't even realize it. This is a toxic situation. As the husband continues the emotional and mental abuse of his wife, she will begin to withdraw. She will lose her desire to even talk with her husband out of fear of being attacked, and feeling put down.

To objectively look at situations in our lives, we need to remove "us" from the picture. Better yet, if we can, put our self in the other person's shoes. Do you think this man's wife feels loved when he treats her like that? Does the fact that he believes he should be easier to understand give credibility to his cruel and hurtful attack on his wife? If this man really loves his wife, wouldn't the proper behavior to be exhibited toward her be one of patience and tolerance? So why would anyone treat somebody they love in such a way?

We can give all kinds of minor "surface" reasons, but the root is ALWAYS selfishness. We could say that the other person just never gets it, and we just get tired of trying. That root is selfishness. We could say that they have done so many hurtful things to me, so I just don't care anymore. That root is selfishness.

This realization was manifest in my life in a very profound way in the summer of 2010. I remember telling my wife, "I love you so much!" Her response forever changed my world. She told me, "It doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how I feel, and I don't feel loved." Wow! How true was that! How can we possibly love people as much as we can, and yet they still don't feel loved? If we love someone, shouldn't them knowing and feeling that love be the natural byproduct? If they don't feel loved, then that should raise the question to whether we really love them or not. If we do really love them, then what is preventing us from loving them in such a way that they know it and feel it?  It is because we are not seeing things objectively, but rather only subjectively through our own selfish reality. We love ourself more.

Now what do you see? How many things are there throughout our lives where we have brutally hurt and attacked people in our lives, leaving deep wounds and pain? Our wives, our husbands, our children, our friends, our brothers, and our sisters have all suffered due to our selfishness. None of us are perfect, and none of us can say that we don't exhibit selfish behavior. This is the beginning.

Do not be overwhelmed with the regret, as genuine love and compassion will demand that we have great remorse. If we don't feel the weight, then one of two things is happening. Either we are not accepting accountability, or we are so cold and calloused that we no longer allow our self to feel. If we do not allow our self to feel, to open up and be real, then we can never move forward from where we are. Nobody will ever be able to get in to love us, and we will never be able to love. If our heart is broken from the pain of our failures, then there is great hope us! We are at the only place that true change happens. The point of brokeness and acceptance that finally makes us ready to move forward. Let it resenate within us, for this deep feeling is going to be the very catalyst that we will use to push us to limits never before thought possible. The truth of the pain we have caused, the desire to change it, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make things different. Does it hurt bad enough that we are willing to do whatever it takes to set things right?

Who Are You?

WHO ARE YOU? Most people cannot answer this fundamental question. If someone does give an answer to this question, they most frequently give a definition which is simply based subjectively on the things they do. Examples would be things like: “I am a good husband.” “I am a good wife.” “I am a basketball player.” “I am wealthy.” “I am poor.” None of these things are who a person is. They are all external from who a person is.

What if your husband died? Then you are no longer a wife. If you become injured and can no longer play sports, then you would no longer be a basketball player. What if you lost your job, subsequently losing all of your material possessions? You would no longer be wealthy. Based on subjectively defining yourself on external circumstances, then at the loss of any of them you become lost and undefined. What you have, and what you do, is NOT who you are.

WHO ARE YOU? What a basic question that is so difficult to answer! Most people never take the time to even search for this answer. How sad that so many of us go through life blindly not even knowing who we are. How can you change what you do not know?

If you keep getting in trouble with alcohol, then the world wants to tell you that you have an alcohol problem. WRONG! The alcohol is NOT the problem. We have institutions, classes, and legal systems that are structured on this misperception. External “things” are not the problem. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. A person who gets in trouble for drinking has no more of an alcohol problem than a person who shoots someone has a gun problem!

The problem, and therein the solution, lies within the person. You, who is reading this post, is looking for answers for a problem that you probably haven’t even defined yet. I challenge you to take a good hard look at who you are. What do you stand for? If you lie, then you are a liar. Whether you get caught or not, because who you as a person is internal and NOT based on external influence. Are you a cheater? Are you honest? Are you faithful, or are you a flake? This is for you, so be honest with yourself!

Until you can honestly describe who you are, you cannot make ANY real changes. Get real with yourself, and search out some honest answers. Are you a prideful person? Are you humble? Once you have come to a concise conclusion of who you really are, you can then examine yourself and decide if you are happy with the answer.

We are masters of lying to ourselves. We very easily distort reality, or simply hide from the truth, and place the blame and responsibility on everything but ourselves. We blame a bad relationship on the other person. We blame our job for our lack of success. We blame a rough day for our lack of commitment to get off our butt and go to the gym.

The blame lies squarely on our shoulders. Quit the BS, and get real! Accept accountability, accept the truth of who you are, and then do something about it! You are responsible, and it is going to require you digging deep to get anywhere! WHO ARE YOU?

Where to look?

Too easily we look around us, searching for something to place blame on for the way things are. We want to blame this person, or that person, for the way they treat us and the way we feel. We look at things external, and make them liable for things which are happening internally. How is this logical? A person thinks things will be better when they have more money, when they move, or when they meet Mr./Mrs. Right. The idea that a person's life is contingent upon anything external is a fallacy. Two people could experience the same situation, but both of them have a different perception. This perception is what gives credibility and justification to their emotions. It is the internal analysis, thought process, which determines the direction and outcome of a person's life...

I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.

The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.

I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.

Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.