To Be Head of Your Household

If you are facing difficult times in your marriage right, are going through a divorce, or are divorced I want you to take something to heart. If you have children, then do not take lightly how loudly your actions are speaking to them as you endure these difficult times. We can justify whatever we want, but it does not change the truth. For us men... Well, I will just talk first hand so that maybe it is easier to see looking at another person's life. I know that right now my daughter is watching her daddy. She is learning from me how a man should treat her. She is learning from me what commitment, or lack there of, looks like. She is learning whether God truly makes a difference, and she is learning about love and family. My son too is watching me. He is learning all the same, but for him I am teaching him how to love his wife and family. The choices and actions I take as relevant to my family will have a far reaching impact for generations. This being said... Consider carefully the choices you are making. I want my daughter to appreciate and expect her husband to be committed and fight for his family. I want my son to know what a husband loving his wife as Jesus loves the Church looks like. I refuse to pass along chains to my children, but am willing to set the bar and break those chains. I want the best for them. This is not all about you or me, and LOVE IS A CHOICE. You can CHOOSE to love, you have to. We must see more than ourselves in every situation.

Marriage

I know so many people that are going through divorce, thinking about it, or have gone through it. I want to share what God shown me about divorce.

As I sat in the Idaho private prison I found out that the woman I had married was seeing another man. My immediate response was to completely discard her and everything about her. I was just going to find someone else. About two hours after I had gotten off the phone with her, I picked up my Bible. The very first verses I read were these...

Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again.

² The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him.

³ And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”

⁴ They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”

⁵ And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. ⁶ But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’^[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, ⁸ and the two shall become one flesh’; ^[b] so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. ⁹ Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

¹⁰ In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. ¹¹ So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. ¹² And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
-Mark 10:1-12

God is absolutely sovereign. It was no accident that I picked my Bible up after that conversation and this was the first thing I read. In these verses God showed me, with great conviction, that it was not my place to walk away from the woman God had given me to love. In fact, God showed me that the only reason why I would do such a thing would be out of pure selfishness. If it hurt too bad, or if I just couldn't forgive her (Because of the hardness of your heart), then God did allow for divorce.

However, God had brought me to a place in my life where I was changed. He had showed me that it was the call of a Christian, a true follower of Christ, to "take up our cross and follow him". Jesus bore all of the shame and pain of the cross, all the way to death, for the love He had for His Church. The church is the "bride" of Christ, and us men are to love our wives as Jesus loves the Church. I would have to take up my cross, bare the shame and pain, and pour out my life in love to the wife God had given me.

Many people ask questions about whether we were walking with God when we were married, but that is a foolish question. How does that matter? Either God is God all of the time, or He isn't. God is God all of the time. If any one of us marries another, it is because God brought us together. If God joins something, it is not His intent for that union to be broke. It is only "Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept". People, men or women, walk away from a marriage ONLY out of selfishness. Period.

My love for my wife is truly for her, who she really is. I want to see her in heaven with me, which means she must come to know Jesus Christ. This has absolutely nothing to do with me. God has made me to love her. It  is His love shining through me that she will see the love of God that has changed my life. I will not pretend to know how this will all play out, but I know my God. He has shown me what I must do, and I love Him enough to do it. It is not a love in my own strength in which I am to love her, for my own love is selfish and about me. It must by in God's love, which is truly about her.

I realize that many people cannot receive this, but this is what God has to say on the subject. Things have never seemed more bleak or hopeless in regards to reconciliation with my wife than they do now. Every day, in so many ways, the temptations come to just walk away. God holds me fast though. What kind of a man would I be if I walked away and gave up on my family anyways? If you are married, then know that God has joined you to your spouse. In spirit and in body. You are now one. You need to be all in!! If you truly love that person, then they deserve your all. If you are not willing to give it, then maybe you should re-evaluate your love for them. If you are a Christian, then you are without excuse. Pick up your cross, deny your self, and love your spouse for all you are worth. After all, that is a Christian by definition. May God bless your marriages!! Fight, and fight for all you are worth.

Misperception

Every single one of us that has children wants the best for them. So many times though, we become confused as to what that looks like. We believe that our children need to be put before our spouse even, and we can easily find opinions of others to support this belief. If our children learn by example, then maybe we should really reconsider our belief on this topic. It is so easy to justify our inability to love someone unconditionally, and then to say that it is better for the children if we go our separate ways. This is a justification for our selfishness and is to the detriment of our children.

In reality our desire to give up on our marriage is because we care about us, and we are unwilling to give entirely of our self in love to another person. Saying that it is better for the children is just a way for us to excuse our self, and truly has nothing to do with them. It is absolutely in the best interest of the child to grow up in a home where the parents love each other, than for them to grow up in a broken home. If we give up on our marriage, we are just teaching our children that it is OK to give up. It is not OK!

If we give up and run all the time, then we will never have anything worth any value. Our relationships will be shallow, and short lived. There will never be any depth in our lives, and we will never come to know what true love is. The love that is patient, kind, humble, gentle, faithful, that does not envy, is not proud, is not rude, is not self seeking, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things we will never come to know, because through the trials that prove and manifest such love we run when the limits of that love are being tried and stretched.

If a husband and wife will love each other unconditionally, staying committed and bound together as one, their children will be given the perfect model of what to aspire to in life. The love of the family pulsates from the love of the parents, and likewise so does the strife. If we are showing our children what commitment, love, patience, tolerance, understanding, and communication look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior. On the other hand though... If we are showing our children what resentment, bitterness, intolerance, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lack of commitment, poor communication, and anger look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior.

It does not take a rocket scientist to read the previous paragraph and determine which characteristics our children should learn for them to be the best person they can be. If our children are truly so important to us, then we need to love our spouse unconditionally and adhere to our commitment. We need to know that our relationship with our wife, or husband, is teaching our children all about life. Not just how to treat other people, but how to treat their spouse when that day comes. We are teaching them all about relationships, and how to deal with the people in their lives that they supposedly love.

Not only will our children exhibit this learned behavior in their lives down the road, but they exhibit the same today. Try this for 30 days. If we put away our selfish pride, our sense of entitlement, our resentments, our bitterness, and just love our spouse unconditionally for just 30 days we will be utterly surprised by the impact in our family's lives. Not only will your spouse be caught off guard, but our children will too. I know this will be hard for some of us because we are so set in our ways, but if we can just make it 30 days...

We do 30 day trials all the time. For this wait loss thing. For this body building supplement. For this money making idea... Why not for the most important thing we are given in this life? There is nothing more valuable and important in this life than those God has given us to love and care for. We will have to put all of our selfishness aside in order for us to be able to really love our spouse in a way that they will know and feel. Then, after the 30 days, we can go back to being a selfish, miserable, person if we so desire, or we may like the impact that was made and decide it is worth the self-sacrifice in order to have such a positive impact on our family.

To say that it is better for the children that a family separates is a lie, and a cop-out. The truth is that we are too selfish to love anyone else unconditionally, and since we are not willing to make the sacrifice to make things better it is easier to just run away. This does our children no favors. How much more value we add to our children's lives by showing them to never give up, keep their word, love, hope, and dream? The first and foremost relationship in a family is that of the husband and wife. Without this relationship being what it is meant to be, then all the other relationships will be strained.

If we truly care about the best interest of our children, then we will make sure that our marriage is solid and rooted in love. Then from the love we have for one another, we can raise our children together, leading and directing them in the same direction. It is the bond, love, and commitment between the husband and wife that overflow into the rest of the family. If you don't believe me, then try it over the next 30 days. Give everything you have to loving and respecting your spouse, regardless of how you may feel, and then see if your family is not different at the end of the trial.

Drive

Most people want more from life, but unfortunately they are unsure how to bring their hopes and dreams to fruition. People tend to give up on ever expecting more than what they have, and as a result they live a miserable existence. I want to talk about that step. The step of change that most of us seem unable to take.

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." - King Solomon. As I mentioned in my first blog, we always assume change is external. That is a lie. Change is done internally. It begins with how we think, and our thoughts become manifest through our actions. I will give some clear examples...

You and I could go to the gym together. We could have worked out for the same amount of time in our life. We could eat the same foods, and take the same supplements. I promise you though, that if my mind set is fixed on the goal, and yours isn't, my results will far supersede yours.

All the time I see people post things about getting in shape, losing weight, or getting healthier in general. The idea is great, but how to make those goals a reality most people just don't have. We all have the capacity, but it takes commitment, determination, and willingness to make sacrifices to manifest that capacity.

We are a docile people. We are lazy and complacent in general. We must fight to be alive, or accept that we will simply survive from day to day. Most of us don't realize that we are headed somewhere. We are never stagnant. Either we are progressively improving, or we are progressively deteriorating. There is no middle ground.

Just as a person starts to become depressed, they become lethargic, eating habits worsen, weight starts coming on, and health starts decreasing is a downward spiral, so is it when a person becomes energized, they begin to eat better, they start getting in shape, and their health gets better. You don't just change one aspect of your life. You change your life, and then the aspects change!!

Does life hurt bad enough, that you are finally at a place where you are willing to do whatever it takes to reach higher levels, or are you still perfectly content being apathetic? If you don't want to hear what I have to say, then you don't have to keep reading. If you want more, and you are ready to push yourself, then spend some time thinking. Examine yourself. Are you REALLY willing to do whatever it takes?

Where to look?

Too easily we look around us, searching for something to place blame on for the way things are. We want to blame this person, or that person, for the way they treat us and the way we feel. We look at things external, and make them liable for things which are happening internally. How is this logical? A person thinks things will be better when they have more money, when they move, or when they meet Mr./Mrs. Right. The idea that a person's life is contingent upon anything external is a fallacy. Two people could experience the same situation, but both of them have a different perception. This perception is what gives credibility and justification to their emotions. It is the internal analysis, thought process, which determines the direction and outcome of a person's life...

I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.

The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.

I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.

Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.