I realize people assume that the changes in my life have something to do with me not wanting to violate my terms of supervision, but this couldn't be the furthest from the truth. I tried to make changes over the past 15 years that would keep me from getting into trouble, and they were never enough. In 2010 I realized that if I changed the very core of my being, who I was, then everything else would become collateral. Not violating my terms of supervision would just be a byproduct, rather than my focus.
I could not believe how bad I had hurt the ones I loved so much. I remember examining my life to see why it was that I had become such a cold and hurtful person. How could I live in such a way that I had no empathy for anyone, and the only one I cared about was me?
As I was processing through this, I came across the truth that I had responded to being hurt in my life in such a manner as to prevent myself from ever being hurt again. I remember when that girlfriend cheated on me, and how I vowed that I would never get hurt like that again. Over and over memories came to mind. Every time I was hurt, I continued to build walls to protect myself. The whole idea of "becoming stronger through my experiences" had ruined me.
As I prevented myself from being hurt, I likewise inhibited my ability to love. I had made it so that no one could get close enough to my heart to ever hurt me like that again. It had worked. My heart was hard, and my life proved it. I had done some horrific things, and to this day the very thought of what I had done brings me to tears. I couldn't even see what my actions were doing. To me, I had been justified in everything I did because of how hard my heart was. It was all about me.
I NEVER wanted to hurt anyone again, ever. This was the motive for the changes in my life. NOT my "freedom". Why did it matter if I was "free", but my life did not add any value to anyone? I would have been better left behind the prison walls. I found that the only way I could bring down the walls around my heart so that I could once again love was if I was able to trust that it would be OK.
I had to believe that God would take care of me. I had always lived with the strong belief that "if I didn't watch out for me, who would?" This was a leap of faith. I had to let go of my fears, and once again make myself vulnerable. Something I was EXTREMELY scared to do. Nobody likes being hurt. I believed that God does love me, that He will look out for me, and that I did not have to worry about myself. In this place of surrender I found love, forgiveness, and was once again given the ability to love.
