Most people that call themselves Christians, do so just because they at least say that they believe in God and in some form of Jesus. This is a diluted, perverted, and distorted idea twisted into reality by man. For the most part, it is their story so they can tell it like they want, but a person's story does not alter truth.
Jesus makes it very clear what we must do to follow Him. Following Him is the natural consequence of a person trusting IN Him. Everyone knows there is a God, but being a Christian is being like Christ. Jesus' entire life was to glorify the Father. If we are not following Jesus, then we are by no means a Christian and, in fact, are taking the name of the Lord in vain. There are some simple facts that line this out, that maybe we can properly evaluate whether we are in fact Christians, or if we are lying to ourselves.
Just believing there is a God is NOT enough.
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
These demons that believe in God and tremble, do so for a valid reason, proving that believing God exists does not count one as a Christian.
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:"
-Matthew 25:41
There will be a day of judgement.
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left."
-Matthew 25:31-33
"The day of judgment is certain to come. And it will be like a red-hot furnace with flames that burn up proud and sinful people, as though they were straw. Not a branch or a root will be left. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken! But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays, and you will jump around like calves at play. When I come to bring justice, you will trample those who are evil, as though they were ashes under your feet. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken!"
-Malachi 4:1-3
"Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
-Revelation 20:11-15
"And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power; when he shall come to be glorified in his saints, and to be admired in all them that believe (because our testimony among you was believed) in that day."
-2 Thessalonians 1:7-10
There are absolute differences between a Christian and non-Christian.
"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
"Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
-Matthew 25:34-46
No one has an excuse for not glorifying God as God.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
-Romans 1:18-23
What if a person doesn't know of Jesus, or isn't "called" a Christian?
"For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law (for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified; for when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) in the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.
-Romans 2:12-16
The word "Christian" was made up by men to coin those who followed Christ. As in the verse above, every single one of us knows the difference between right and wrong. We are more than capable of searing our conscience or justifying our actions, but it doesn't change the underlying principles of what we are doing. Some people call them selves Christians, who are not, and some people are Christians, but do not call them self such. The bottom line is the intent of our heart. Are we thankful to God, glorifying Him for His greatness and mercy, striving to do what is right because we know it is right, or are we bitter, angry, denying God, and doing what we please because we could careless about what is right.
In this world today it is a common belief that right and wrong are ambiguous. That we are each god in our own right, and that we are the "masters of our own destiny". All of these beliefs deny God and who He is. It is our foolish pride rising against the truth of God, because we do not want to submit to anyone. Such foolishness indeed!
"Woe to those who seek deep to hide their counsel far from the Lord, and their works are in the dark; they say, “Who sees us?” and, “Who knows us?” Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?"
-Isaiah 29:15-16
What a Christian looks like.
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
-John 14:6
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.""
-Matthew 16:24-25
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit."
-1 Peter 4:1-6
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”"
-1 Peter 4:8
" Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter."
-1 Peter 4:12-16
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."
-1 John 2:3-6
"Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
-1 John 3:13-23
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:7-19
Our faith in Jesus Christ is manifest by our obedience, in love.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If we call our self a Christian, then we should live it. NOT professing something we do not know, making our self a liar. It is ONLY by our love for one another that we are separated from the world. It does NOT matter what we say. It does NOT matter what we call our self, or what our verbal declaration is. Is what matters is how we live. Are we laying our lives down for others, putting away our selfish pride, or are we bitterly contesting for "what we deserve".
I know full well the things I have done in my life, and I do not want what I deserve for them. I desire mercy, for I am a horrible man who has done horrible things. I am a sinner, selfish, and destructive, and I deserve death for my sins against God and the people He placed in my life. I believe Jesus, out of love, paid the entire price for the sins I have committed. God did this because He loves us, and all we need to do is believe in the sacrifice He made for us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16
For this I am so very thankful! This amazing gift God has given us... Life, forgiveness, a clean slate, hope, and love... Freely we have received, so freely we are to give!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
My Testimony (Part 6)
I was locked in a four man cell for about 20 hours a day while I was in Ada County, and then had the other four hours to eat, make phone calls, or socialize. I spent most of the time I was locked in the four man cell reading the Bible. Not because I was bored, and not because I wanted to pass the time. I had "passed" enough time in my life, and it was time to make it count for something. I read the Bible constantly, because I wanted what God had to offer. I wanted to know Jesus, to breath Jesus, so that I could be the man God made me to be.
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Testimony (Part 5)
Making the choice to let go entirely of my hopes, dreams, desires, and life was difficult, but the application has been progressive. I knew that my life, as I knew, had just ended. I had no idea what lied ahead, but I knew it was necessary in order for me to become the man that my wife and kids needed me to be and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had made the choice and commitment to lay down my life, to die for my wife and kids, but now the application of such a commitment was revealed to me as a daily struggle.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
My Testimony (Part 4)
I prayed more, and more. This was not just an idea. This was going to be real, and I was going to mean it. As I sought answers, a memory came to me. One I will never forget.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
My Testimony (Part 3)
I had grown up in a Christian home, and even graduated from a Christian High School. I had gone to church most of my life, and I understood Christianese pretty well. I had done the "church thing". It was just a bunch of religion that never really amounted to much. A bunch of motions that were truly meaningless and seemed like a big waste of time. I knew that God was real, but I didn't see how that ever made any difference in my life. Well, everything I thought I knew was about to be shattered.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
My Testimony (Part 2)
There I was... Sitting in jail yet again. I never imagined in a million years I would be there again. My life had changed so much since I was convicted of my felonies more than ten years earlier when I was all strung out on meth. I was trying this time, hard. How was this possible? Why couldn't I break free from this horrible cycle of defeat?
If you know me at all, then you know I am persistent, strong willed, determined, and unwilling to give up. Here I sat, in jail, with my entire life coming unraveled. Our marriage was already falling apart, but now my wife left me. I had failed the woman I loved the most, my precious children whom meant so much to me, and I did it all under a conviction that I was truly do the best I possibly could. I was not OK with the results of my efforts. In fact, they down right scared me. If I had done the best I could possibly do, and failed so miserably, then there was no hope for me. How could I possibly do more than my best?
I refused to give up though. There was no way that that was all my life was supposed to be. There had to be more! A saying that my old basketball coach, used to say came to my mind. He would tell us to push our selves. He would tell us not to give up, roll over, and pee on our self like a little puppy. I was not going to give up! I was not going to roll over and pee on my self like a little puppy!
I began to examine my life vigorously. There had to be an answer. As I began to get rid of all the excuses, all the blame, and take an honest look at who I was as a person, I found things I never knew existed. As I found these huge truths, I was absolutely dumbfounded that I could possibly have been so blind.
This was about a six week process for me, and every single day I kept looking, searching. I did not think I was going to prison, and quite honestly... That was not what was important to me. My life was on the line here. My family was on the line here. I had much bigger things to worry about than whether or not I was going to be in a time out for awhile. I knew I could have just chosen to not drink for the next two years and just be done with this retarded probation, but that wasn't the problem. My life was falling apart at the core, and me choosing to drink was simply an out showing of the mess that was going on inside. I had to find the cause, not just address the symptom.
I started to see how everything was all about me. I realized that every single man sitting in that jail had one thing in common. We were all selfish enough to end up there. Regardless of the actual crime, the root in every single instance was selfishness. That was it. How simple indeed.
I could accept I had been selfish. I knew that drinking was a violation of my probation, that my family that needed me could be deprived of me if I violated my probation, yet I chose to do it anyway. Thing is though, I had no idea how bad it really was.
I started writing a letter to the judge. I started to say how maybe I should join the military, because I obviously lacked discipline. As I was writing, I saw this for the excuse it was. I didn't lack discipline. I worked out seven days a week for the last ten years, and I was in amazing shape. Obviously I had discipline, for the things I wanted. I simply did something I knew I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to. That was it. No excuse. I was selfish.
In another part of the same letter, I had written that I violated my probation because I had been so depressed and just didn't care anymore. Depression is always a valid excuse for doing dumb things, and I had never been more depressed in my entire life than I had been that spring.
I began to question why I had been so depressed. My answers were that my life wasn't going how I had hoped. I was struggling financially. My wife didn't love me. I was lonely. I was hurt. As I began to give these answers, it occurred to me how every single answer was about me. The words "my","I", "me", and "mine" were in every reason. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks! My depression was just one big pity party because I was selfish, and it was all about me. Poor me! Wah! Wah! I was thoroughly disgusted with myself at this point, and I threw the letter away. I was repulsive! How dare I be so selfish.
I told my dad, while talking to him on the phone, how much I loved my wife and kids. He responded by telling me that it didn't look like it. I told my wife how much I loved her. She told me that it didn't matter how I felt. It mattered how she felt, and she didn't feel loved. These two instances occurred one after the other, and my world was rocked. How could I love as much as I knew how, yet it not even be love?
It was because I loved them only as they were relative to me. I stood in the way and kept my self from loving them unconditionally. It was all about me. I did love them as much as I possibly could while being a selfish person. I was the inhibitor. I didn't love my wife unconditionally. If I did, then I would have been able to continue to love her even when I didn't feel loved. I didn't though. I had so much anger, resentment, and hate for her because I didn't feel like she loved me. That wasn't a love that was ever about her. That was a selfish excuse for love that was all about me.
I realized then that it was selfishness that was destroying my life. It was selfishness that was keeping me from being the man I knew I could be, and it was selfishness that was keeping my family from being what it was supposed to be. I saw, for the first time in my life, the truth of the person I was. Every single problem I had ever had in my life was caused by selfishness. All of them, without exception. I knew the cause, finally, and could now determine a solution. To me, the answer was revealed in an extremely powerful, simple, and blunt way. How do you conquer selfishness? Easy... Kill yourself.
If you know me at all, then you know I am persistent, strong willed, determined, and unwilling to give up. Here I sat, in jail, with my entire life coming unraveled. Our marriage was already falling apart, but now my wife left me. I had failed the woman I loved the most, my precious children whom meant so much to me, and I did it all under a conviction that I was truly do the best I possibly could. I was not OK with the results of my efforts. In fact, they down right scared me. If I had done the best I could possibly do, and failed so miserably, then there was no hope for me. How could I possibly do more than my best?
I refused to give up though. There was no way that that was all my life was supposed to be. There had to be more! A saying that my old basketball coach, used to say came to my mind. He would tell us to push our selves. He would tell us not to give up, roll over, and pee on our self like a little puppy. I was not going to give up! I was not going to roll over and pee on my self like a little puppy!
I began to examine my life vigorously. There had to be an answer. As I began to get rid of all the excuses, all the blame, and take an honest look at who I was as a person, I found things I never knew existed. As I found these huge truths, I was absolutely dumbfounded that I could possibly have been so blind.
This was about a six week process for me, and every single day I kept looking, searching. I did not think I was going to prison, and quite honestly... That was not what was important to me. My life was on the line here. My family was on the line here. I had much bigger things to worry about than whether or not I was going to be in a time out for awhile. I knew I could have just chosen to not drink for the next two years and just be done with this retarded probation, but that wasn't the problem. My life was falling apart at the core, and me choosing to drink was simply an out showing of the mess that was going on inside. I had to find the cause, not just address the symptom.
I started to see how everything was all about me. I realized that every single man sitting in that jail had one thing in common. We were all selfish enough to end up there. Regardless of the actual crime, the root in every single instance was selfishness. That was it. How simple indeed.
I could accept I had been selfish. I knew that drinking was a violation of my probation, that my family that needed me could be deprived of me if I violated my probation, yet I chose to do it anyway. Thing is though, I had no idea how bad it really was.
I started writing a letter to the judge. I started to say how maybe I should join the military, because I obviously lacked discipline. As I was writing, I saw this for the excuse it was. I didn't lack discipline. I worked out seven days a week for the last ten years, and I was in amazing shape. Obviously I had discipline, for the things I wanted. I simply did something I knew I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to. That was it. No excuse. I was selfish.
In another part of the same letter, I had written that I violated my probation because I had been so depressed and just didn't care anymore. Depression is always a valid excuse for doing dumb things, and I had never been more depressed in my entire life than I had been that spring.
I began to question why I had been so depressed. My answers were that my life wasn't going how I had hoped. I was struggling financially. My wife didn't love me. I was lonely. I was hurt. As I began to give these answers, it occurred to me how every single answer was about me. The words "my","I", "me", and "mine" were in every reason. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks! My depression was just one big pity party because I was selfish, and it was all about me. Poor me! Wah! Wah! I was thoroughly disgusted with myself at this point, and I threw the letter away. I was repulsive! How dare I be so selfish.
I told my dad, while talking to him on the phone, how much I loved my wife and kids. He responded by telling me that it didn't look like it. I told my wife how much I loved her. She told me that it didn't matter how I felt. It mattered how she felt, and she didn't feel loved. These two instances occurred one after the other, and my world was rocked. How could I love as much as I knew how, yet it not even be love?
It was because I loved them only as they were relative to me. I stood in the way and kept my self from loving them unconditionally. It was all about me. I did love them as much as I possibly could while being a selfish person. I was the inhibitor. I didn't love my wife unconditionally. If I did, then I would have been able to continue to love her even when I didn't feel loved. I didn't though. I had so much anger, resentment, and hate for her because I didn't feel like she loved me. That wasn't a love that was ever about her. That was a selfish excuse for love that was all about me.
I realized then that it was selfishness that was destroying my life. It was selfishness that was keeping me from being the man I knew I could be, and it was selfishness that was keeping my family from being what it was supposed to be. I saw, for the first time in my life, the truth of the person I was. Every single problem I had ever had in my life was caused by selfishness. All of them, without exception. I knew the cause, finally, and could now determine a solution. To me, the answer was revealed in an extremely powerful, simple, and blunt way. How do you conquer selfishness? Easy... Kill yourself.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
My Testimony (Part 1)
It doesn't matter what someone else has to say to us, unless we are humble enough to be able to receive it. Every one of us is right in our own eyes, and it requires humility and wisdom to be able to accept what another has to say when it is in contradiction to our beliefs. Though the things I am sharing are based in simple truth and facts, each of us must arrive at our own conclusions. There comes a time in our lives where we seem to just "wake up", and "get it". This is a defining turning point that we will never be able to forget. A moment of clarity where we are able to objectively see things about our self, and accept the truth for what it is. I want to share this moment from my life.
In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.
During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.
There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.
After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.
In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.
During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.
There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.
The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.
While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.
I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.
There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.
In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.
In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!
I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.
In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.
During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.
There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.
After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.
In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.
During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.
There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.
The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.
While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.
I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.
There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.
In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.
In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!
I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Misperception
Every single one of us that has children wants the best for them. So many times though, we become confused as to what that looks like. We believe that our children need to be put before our spouse even, and we can easily find opinions of others to support this belief. If our children learn by example, then maybe we should really reconsider our belief on this topic. It is so easy to justify our inability to love someone unconditionally, and then to say that it is better for the children if we go our separate ways. This is a justification for our selfishness and is to the detriment of our children.
In reality our desire to give up on our marriage is because we care about us, and we are unwilling to give entirely of our self in love to another person. Saying that it is better for the children is just a way for us to excuse our self, and truly has nothing to do with them. It is absolutely in the best interest of the child to grow up in a home where the parents love each other, than for them to grow up in a broken home. If we give up on our marriage, we are just teaching our children that it is OK to give up. It is not OK!
If we give up and run all the time, then we will never have anything worth any value. Our relationships will be shallow, and short lived. There will never be any depth in our lives, and we will never come to know what true love is. The love that is patient, kind, humble, gentle, faithful, that does not envy, is not proud, is not rude, is not self seeking, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things we will never come to know, because through the trials that prove and manifest such love we run when the limits of that love are being tried and stretched.
If a husband and wife will love each other unconditionally, staying committed and bound together as one, their children will be given the perfect model of what to aspire to in life. The love of the family pulsates from the love of the parents, and likewise so does the strife. If we are showing our children what commitment, love, patience, tolerance, understanding, and communication look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior. On the other hand though... If we are showing our children what resentment, bitterness, intolerance, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lack of commitment, poor communication, and anger look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior.
It does not take a rocket scientist to read the previous paragraph and determine which characteristics our children should learn for them to be the best person they can be. If our children are truly so important to us, then we need to love our spouse unconditionally and adhere to our commitment. We need to know that our relationship with our wife, or husband, is teaching our children all about life. Not just how to treat other people, but how to treat their spouse when that day comes. We are teaching them all about relationships, and how to deal with the people in their lives that they supposedly love.
Not only will our children exhibit this learned behavior in their lives down the road, but they exhibit the same today. Try this for 30 days. If we put away our selfish pride, our sense of entitlement, our resentments, our bitterness, and just love our spouse unconditionally for just 30 days we will be utterly surprised by the impact in our family's lives. Not only will your spouse be caught off guard, but our children will too. I know this will be hard for some of us because we are so set in our ways, but if we can just make it 30 days...
We do 30 day trials all the time. For this wait loss thing. For this body building supplement. For this money making idea... Why not for the most important thing we are given in this life? There is nothing more valuable and important in this life than those God has given us to love and care for. We will have to put all of our selfishness aside in order for us to be able to really love our spouse in a way that they will know and feel. Then, after the 30 days, we can go back to being a selfish, miserable, person if we so desire, or we may like the impact that was made and decide it is worth the self-sacrifice in order to have such a positive impact on our family.
To say that it is better for the children that a family separates is a lie, and a cop-out. The truth is that we are too selfish to love anyone else unconditionally, and since we are not willing to make the sacrifice to make things better it is easier to just run away. This does our children no favors. How much more value we add to our children's lives by showing them to never give up, keep their word, love, hope, and dream? The first and foremost relationship in a family is that of the husband and wife. Without this relationship being what it is meant to be, then all the other relationships will be strained.
If we truly care about the best interest of our children, then we will make sure that our marriage is solid and rooted in love. Then from the love we have for one another, we can raise our children together, leading and directing them in the same direction. It is the bond, love, and commitment between the husband and wife that overflow into the rest of the family. If you don't believe me, then try it over the next 30 days. Give everything you have to loving and respecting your spouse, regardless of how you may feel, and then see if your family is not different at the end of the trial.
In reality our desire to give up on our marriage is because we care about us, and we are unwilling to give entirely of our self in love to another person. Saying that it is better for the children is just a way for us to excuse our self, and truly has nothing to do with them. It is absolutely in the best interest of the child to grow up in a home where the parents love each other, than for them to grow up in a broken home. If we give up on our marriage, we are just teaching our children that it is OK to give up. It is not OK!
If we give up and run all the time, then we will never have anything worth any value. Our relationships will be shallow, and short lived. There will never be any depth in our lives, and we will never come to know what true love is. The love that is patient, kind, humble, gentle, faithful, that does not envy, is not proud, is not rude, is not self seeking, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things we will never come to know, because through the trials that prove and manifest such love we run when the limits of that love are being tried and stretched.
If a husband and wife will love each other unconditionally, staying committed and bound together as one, their children will be given the perfect model of what to aspire to in life. The love of the family pulsates from the love of the parents, and likewise so does the strife. If we are showing our children what commitment, love, patience, tolerance, understanding, and communication look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior. On the other hand though... If we are showing our children what resentment, bitterness, intolerance, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lack of commitment, poor communication, and anger look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior.
It does not take a rocket scientist to read the previous paragraph and determine which characteristics our children should learn for them to be the best person they can be. If our children are truly so important to us, then we need to love our spouse unconditionally and adhere to our commitment. We need to know that our relationship with our wife, or husband, is teaching our children all about life. Not just how to treat other people, but how to treat their spouse when that day comes. We are teaching them all about relationships, and how to deal with the people in their lives that they supposedly love.
Not only will our children exhibit this learned behavior in their lives down the road, but they exhibit the same today. Try this for 30 days. If we put away our selfish pride, our sense of entitlement, our resentments, our bitterness, and just love our spouse unconditionally for just 30 days we will be utterly surprised by the impact in our family's lives. Not only will your spouse be caught off guard, but our children will too. I know this will be hard for some of us because we are so set in our ways, but if we can just make it 30 days...
We do 30 day trials all the time. For this wait loss thing. For this body building supplement. For this money making idea... Why not for the most important thing we are given in this life? There is nothing more valuable and important in this life than those God has given us to love and care for. We will have to put all of our selfishness aside in order for us to be able to really love our spouse in a way that they will know and feel. Then, after the 30 days, we can go back to being a selfish, miserable, person if we so desire, or we may like the impact that was made and decide it is worth the self-sacrifice in order to have such a positive impact on our family.
To say that it is better for the children that a family separates is a lie, and a cop-out. The truth is that we are too selfish to love anyone else unconditionally, and since we are not willing to make the sacrifice to make things better it is easier to just run away. This does our children no favors. How much more value we add to our children's lives by showing them to never give up, keep their word, love, hope, and dream? The first and foremost relationship in a family is that of the husband and wife. Without this relationship being what it is meant to be, then all the other relationships will be strained.
If we truly care about the best interest of our children, then we will make sure that our marriage is solid and rooted in love. Then from the love we have for one another, we can raise our children together, leading and directing them in the same direction. It is the bond, love, and commitment between the husband and wife that overflow into the rest of the family. If you don't believe me, then try it over the next 30 days. Give everything you have to loving and respecting your spouse, regardless of how you may feel, and then see if your family is not different at the end of the trial.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Don't Grow Up
For some of us mediocrity is sufficient, but for some of us we want more. Someone close to me asked me once why I couldn't just be normal. Well, I don't want anything to do with normal. I have been told I am unrealistic and that I am a dreamer. So, I am. I dream big, and I don't believe anything is impossible. I believe that my dreams are attainable, and that I need only assert myself.
I think one of the saddest things that happens as we become adults is that we "grow up". Granted, we must be responsible and mature, but "growing up" robs us of our imagination and hope. In fact, "growing up" is just another term for giving up. Why do we have to just accept that life is only going to be a certain way? How come we can't hold onto the silly child like hopes and dreams that make life worth living?
We tend to trade off the dreams of love, romance, heroism, purpose, service, and accomplishment for the sad daily grind of buying a car, a house, making the payments, and working a job that does nothing to push us to excel. "Growing up" is one of the worse things that ever happens to us.
We must take care of our responsibilities, but these "grown up" things should be the collateral part of our life. Our life should be about the dreaming, the loving, the living, and not about the "stuff". The "grown up" things should be there only to give support to the rest of life, not the other way around. How confused we are about what is important.
We spend hours and hours of time and energy working for the mighty dollar, and we justify the excessive amount of time we spend working by saying we are doing it for our children. I promise that none of us will ever look back on our lives and say that we wish we had spent more time working. In fact, I would be willing to bet that every single one of us will look back on our lives and say that we wish we had spent more time with our loved ones.
Time is the most priceless commodity we have, and we trade it off for dollars on the hour. We stress about those dollars, how to spend those dollars, how to make more of those dollars, and all the while the important things in life barely get the left overs.
We are too tired to play with our kids, too tired to rub our wife's feet, or too tired to have sex with our spouse. Are not these essential components to their relative relationships? Are not these relationships what life is about? Yet the important relationships are given way to the "grown up" worries.
My son recently asked me if it was bad for him to still have an imagination at his age, which happens to be eleven. I told him the saddest day will be when he loses it, and to use it till he can't imagine any more.
Life lies in our ability to dream, to love, and enjoy the small things. We need to remember as we go through our daily routines that it is only the relationships that are truly important. I have met some children that live in a below average income home that are ten times happier than some kids I have met in higher income brackets. Our children and spouses need our time, attention, and love. The "grown up" stuff should only be collateral.
Don't live in a box, and don't let the worries of the "grown up" stuff choke the life out of you. Dream, love, live, and give everything you have into sharing that hope and life with those around you. When we get home from work and we see those precious smiles... That is what life is about. Not the job. Not the car that got us home to them. Not the clothes that we cover our body with, or the shoes we put on our feet. They deserve everything we have to give, and our big dreams should have everything to do with them!
I think one of the saddest things that happens as we become adults is that we "grow up". Granted, we must be responsible and mature, but "growing up" robs us of our imagination and hope. In fact, "growing up" is just another term for giving up. Why do we have to just accept that life is only going to be a certain way? How come we can't hold onto the silly child like hopes and dreams that make life worth living?
We tend to trade off the dreams of love, romance, heroism, purpose, service, and accomplishment for the sad daily grind of buying a car, a house, making the payments, and working a job that does nothing to push us to excel. "Growing up" is one of the worse things that ever happens to us.
We must take care of our responsibilities, but these "grown up" things should be the collateral part of our life. Our life should be about the dreaming, the loving, the living, and not about the "stuff". The "grown up" things should be there only to give support to the rest of life, not the other way around. How confused we are about what is important.
We spend hours and hours of time and energy working for the mighty dollar, and we justify the excessive amount of time we spend working by saying we are doing it for our children. I promise that none of us will ever look back on our lives and say that we wish we had spent more time working. In fact, I would be willing to bet that every single one of us will look back on our lives and say that we wish we had spent more time with our loved ones.
Time is the most priceless commodity we have, and we trade it off for dollars on the hour. We stress about those dollars, how to spend those dollars, how to make more of those dollars, and all the while the important things in life barely get the left overs.
We are too tired to play with our kids, too tired to rub our wife's feet, or too tired to have sex with our spouse. Are not these essential components to their relative relationships? Are not these relationships what life is about? Yet the important relationships are given way to the "grown up" worries.
My son recently asked me if it was bad for him to still have an imagination at his age, which happens to be eleven. I told him the saddest day will be when he loses it, and to use it till he can't imagine any more.
Life lies in our ability to dream, to love, and enjoy the small things. We need to remember as we go through our daily routines that it is only the relationships that are truly important. I have met some children that live in a below average income home that are ten times happier than some kids I have met in higher income brackets. Our children and spouses need our time, attention, and love. The "grown up" stuff should only be collateral.
Don't live in a box, and don't let the worries of the "grown up" stuff choke the life out of you. Dream, love, live, and give everything you have into sharing that hope and life with those around you. When we get home from work and we see those precious smiles... That is what life is about. Not the job. Not the car that got us home to them. Not the clothes that we cover our body with, or the shoes we put on our feet. They deserve everything we have to give, and our big dreams should have everything to do with them!
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