Before any of us can come to Christ, we must first reach a point that we realize we need Him. It is so easy for us to go through life and believe that we "really aren't that bad". This belief is perpetuated by our ability to compare our self to other people, judging them, and thereby justifying our actions because we just aren't as bad as the other person. This is foolishness, but this is what we do.
A Christian is someone who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. These terms are sadly used so loosely that what they really mean is lost in ambiguity. People profess themselves to be a Christian just because they believe in Jesus and God. This is not what it means to be a Christian, but it is this pretense that allows nearly 85% of Americans to profess themselves Christians. They don't know what they are professing, and are using the name of the Lord God in vain.
Let us define these words, and examine the truth behind the declaration of a Lord and Savior. The concept of a lord is lost to us today, but the concept is still easily defined. Webster defines lord as : a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due. Jesus preeminence is clearly defined in John 1:1-3:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.
Again and more clearly in Colossians 1:9-18:
For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence.
His preeminence is the right to which all service and obedience are due Him. It is not the FACT of Jesus lordship that is questionable, but rather our subjection to His lordship. Webster defines a subject as: one that is placed under authority or control: as b (1): one subject to a monarch and governed by the monarch's law (2): one who lives in the territory of, enjoys the protection of, and owes allegiance to a sovereign power or state. If Jesus Christ is Lord of our lives, then when He says jump, we ask how high. If Jesus is our Lord, then we are in turn His subjects. If we declare that Jesus is Lord, yet continue to do as we please in direct rebellion to His command, then we are liars. It is an oxymoron for a subject to tell his lord "No". Once again the rules of logic say that either He is Lord, hence we are obedient, or He is not, and we do as we please.
The second part of being a Christian is accepting Jesus as Savior. Well... First of all we need to realize we need a savior. If we believe the lie that we are just fine, since we aren't as bad as the next guy, then we can never see the truth of our own sin. We must come to accept the FACT that WE ARE sinners. We are wretched at the core, and the sin that is within us brings great pain and destruction not only in our own lives, but also in the lives around us. For most of us, our stubborn pride will not allow us to reach this point, yet alone comprehend it.
I used to believe that I had to be strong. I used to believe that I just had to "man up" and push my way through. I used to believe that I was a "self made man". I used to believe that I didn't need God, because I was just fine without Him. It was only after I realized that my best wasn't good enough to achieve the dreams I had for my life, that I realized I couldn't do it in my own power. I realized that at my best I still hurt the ones I loved. At my best, I still failed to be the man my family needed me to be. It was ONLY when I accepted that I was a sinner, that I continuously fell short of the mark, that I came to terms with the FACT that I need a savior. So it is with all of us.
Only those who the Father draws can come to Jesus, and only those who Jesus chooses to reveal the Father to can come to know the Father. God loves us so much, that He will do what must be done for us to get on our knees and return to Him. He is life, and without Him we are dead. Out of His great love for us, He will not let us remain in our sin. What an awesome God we serve!
No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day.
- John 6:44
All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.
- Matthew 11:27
I pray fervently that if any of us are living a lie, professing to be a Christian when it is quite obvious we have not subjected our self to His Lordship, that the Holy Spirit will bring conviction and that we will desire to be at peace with our Lord.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
My Testimony (Part 7)
I KNEW that God was answering my prayer to make me that man that my wife and kids needed me to be. Every day I rested in this fact, and I watched for the opportunities to continue to grow. I did not know that I was going to be going to prison, but I KNEW that God was performing His will. I KNEW that I wanted whatever needed to be done in order for me to become the man my family needed me to be. Sure... I wanted to go home, but not if I wasn't ready. What good would that do me? If I needed to go to prison in order for my prayer to be answered, then I was ready to go to prison. I KNEW that EVERYTHING that had happened in my life to this point, and that would happen, was for the best.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28
I thought I might go home, because I already felt like there had been many deep changes within me. When I saw Judge Neville, he sent me to prison though. When I went back to the holding cell, I danced. I trusted God completely, and I was excited to see what He had in store for me. The rest of the time in county, before I went to prison, everyone was just amazed that I was going to prison. Even the Deputies did not expect to see me have to go to prison, yet alone with a smile. God had blessed me though with great faith, comfort, and had destroyed all fear.
Once I got to RDU, my zeal and hope did not waiver. God continued to reveal Him self to me in mighty ways. My wife and I still argued horribly on the phone, and we could hardly even talk to each other. I felt so bad, and I just wanted to make things right, but I had hurt her so bad that there was no trust left. I would try to share things with her that I was beginning to understand and see, but they rightfully fell on deaf ears. I didn't deserve her respect, attention, nor trust.
The weight of my guilt for what I had done to my wife and my kids almost destroyed me. While I was in RDU though, God opened the book of Jeremiah to me. In this book, God's absolute sovereignty is portrayed in undeniable words. As God gave me understanding about His sovereignty, He showed me that in order for me to be where I was in that moment it required me to endure all of the things I had experienced over the course of my life.
All of the pain I had endured. All of the heart ache I had felt. All of the failures I had made. All of the pain I had caused. God showed me that just as all of these experiences were necessary for me to become who I was, such experiences are just as necessary in other people's lives. With this understanding He gave me this analogy in vivid detail.
I was driving my car down the road, and I continued to run over mailboxes. I felt so bad because I had done so much damage to other people's mailboxes. All the pain I had caused was just gut wrenching. I got over into the passenger seat, and asked Jesus to take the wheel. As He did, as I surrendered my will to Him because I did not want to hurt anyone anymore, I cried. I felt so bad for all of the pain I had caused, and I was guilty. I knew I had done it by trying to do things my way, and I felt so bad for what I had done. Jesus looked at me, and told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He had bore the shame and pain of the cross that I would not have to bare the guilt. He then told me that the mailboxes I had ran over needed to be replaced anyways. Nothing happens on accident, and God does not waste anything. It is through pain and trials that we grow, and Jesus would use my failures to shape those whom I had harmed. I knew that as long as He was driving, His will was being done instead of mine, that I would not be hitting anymore mailboxes. I did not want to hurt anyone ever again, but the guilt of what I had done was gone. God was in control, and God is good.
From this point forward I no longer have had to bare the guilt of what I did in my sin. I had repented, in truth, and I was forgiven. The repentance was genuine, for I never wanted, nor want, to repeat the things that I have done. Though I had been forgiven, and the weight of the guilt lifted, it did not automatically make things right with those I had hurt. I quit trying to share these things with my wife, for we were not at a place where we could share meaningful conversations. I had nothing to prove to anyone, and ONLY the consistent actions of love and time could heal what I had done. I continued to press forward, and I thanked God for the wisdom and understanding He had given me.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28
I thought I might go home, because I already felt like there had been many deep changes within me. When I saw Judge Neville, he sent me to prison though. When I went back to the holding cell, I danced. I trusted God completely, and I was excited to see what He had in store for me. The rest of the time in county, before I went to prison, everyone was just amazed that I was going to prison. Even the Deputies did not expect to see me have to go to prison, yet alone with a smile. God had blessed me though with great faith, comfort, and had destroyed all fear.
Once I got to RDU, my zeal and hope did not waiver. God continued to reveal Him self to me in mighty ways. My wife and I still argued horribly on the phone, and we could hardly even talk to each other. I felt so bad, and I just wanted to make things right, but I had hurt her so bad that there was no trust left. I would try to share things with her that I was beginning to understand and see, but they rightfully fell on deaf ears. I didn't deserve her respect, attention, nor trust.
The weight of my guilt for what I had done to my wife and my kids almost destroyed me. While I was in RDU though, God opened the book of Jeremiah to me. In this book, God's absolute sovereignty is portrayed in undeniable words. As God gave me understanding about His sovereignty, He showed me that in order for me to be where I was in that moment it required me to endure all of the things I had experienced over the course of my life.
All of the pain I had endured. All of the heart ache I had felt. All of the failures I had made. All of the pain I had caused. God showed me that just as all of these experiences were necessary for me to become who I was, such experiences are just as necessary in other people's lives. With this understanding He gave me this analogy in vivid detail.
I was driving my car down the road, and I continued to run over mailboxes. I felt so bad because I had done so much damage to other people's mailboxes. All the pain I had caused was just gut wrenching. I got over into the passenger seat, and asked Jesus to take the wheel. As He did, as I surrendered my will to Him because I did not want to hurt anyone anymore, I cried. I felt so bad for all of the pain I had caused, and I was guilty. I knew I had done it by trying to do things my way, and I felt so bad for what I had done. Jesus looked at me, and told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He had bore the shame and pain of the cross that I would not have to bare the guilt. He then told me that the mailboxes I had ran over needed to be replaced anyways. Nothing happens on accident, and God does not waste anything. It is through pain and trials that we grow, and Jesus would use my failures to shape those whom I had harmed. I knew that as long as He was driving, His will was being done instead of mine, that I would not be hitting anymore mailboxes. I did not want to hurt anyone ever again, but the guilt of what I had done was gone. God was in control, and God is good.
From this point forward I no longer have had to bare the guilt of what I did in my sin. I had repented, in truth, and I was forgiven. The repentance was genuine, for I never wanted, nor want, to repeat the things that I have done. Though I had been forgiven, and the weight of the guilt lifted, it did not automatically make things right with those I had hurt. I quit trying to share these things with my wife, for we were not at a place where we could share meaningful conversations. I had nothing to prove to anyone, and ONLY the consistent actions of love and time could heal what I had done. I continued to press forward, and I thanked God for the wisdom and understanding He had given me.
Monday, December 10, 2012
View
There are two fundamental views of the world, and our existence. Either there is a God, and He created everything, or there is no God, and everything created itself. Depending on our view, we will see and understand things accordingly. The world view is surely different from that of a Christian, but even many who profess to be Christian do not truly believe or understand what it is they are professing.
If there is no God, and everything just created itself out of nothing, then there is no such thing as truth, right, wrong, integrity, nor purpose. We have no purpose in this life. We are simply blips in an infinite cycle of nothing, creating itself and destroying itself for no apparent reason and to no apparent end. We have the brief period of our life span to party like a rock star, go until the wheels come off, and no consequences for anything we do in this life. There are no parameters, nor moral obligation aside from that which we impose upon our self, and nobody to be accountable to unless we get CAUGHT breaking some man imposed law which is arbitrary at best since right and wrong are only a matter of perception and open to change.
Under this belief system, there are no true answers to real problems. We can come up with our own solutions based on our desires and assumptions. We take our problem, and we search for an answer we like. This implies we aren't really looking for the answer, since it may not only exist outside of what we "like", but it may exist outside of what we believe. After all, if we knew everything, then we wouldn't be looking for answers in the first place.
Under this belief system, there is nothing after this life, so there is no purpose to things we experience. If stuff just happens, just because, then there is no understanding to seek. Everything that nothing created, when "nothing exploded", is just on a random course of nothingness, so we had better cover our butt and watch out for number one. After all, we only have less than 100 years to exist, so we had better get the most out of it because... Because why? We won't remember it when we die under this belief system. We just return to nothingness, and become "one" with the caprice and wanton universe as it continues to randomly created and destroy itself whenever "nothing" gets tired of doing something.
Under this belief system, there are no concrete answers. There are no absolutes, and nobody has "the answer", because that too is only a matter of perception. We seek marriage counseling, family counseling, personal counseling, life counseling, and yet to no avail. The world system is based on this belief system. What is right to you, may not be what is right to me, so there is no right. That means we all need to get together, a democracy, and have as many people as possible put their opinion of what is right out there until we have some kind of a majority rule on the subject. This system worked well in Nazi Germany in the 1940's. The majority conceded that it was "right" to perform mass genocide, so they did. And why not? There is no price to pay for what we do. We are nothing after all, so who is really effected and who cares about how someone else, who is "nothing", feels? Why should we care?
If there is a God, then we were created on purpose, for a reason. That means there are such things as truth, right, wrong, integrity, and purpose because they are based on the Creator's own opinion on the different subjects. The Creator would be the source of all of these things, since it is Him we came from. There are different ideas of what the existence of God means, but most of the different opinions are derived from either lack of logic or lack of knowledge.
80% of America "claims" to be Christian and believe in God. Most people think that God exists, created everything, but that He has no involvement in everyday life. Kinda like He is doing a complete "hands off" project to see how everything works out. Like a science experiment. This logic is flawed, because if in fact there is a God, then that would have to mean that He exists outside of all things created. This would inevitably include time, which would mean that the end result of His creation is not unknown to Him. In fact, God's existence outside of time would even imply that the purpose and end of His creation was determined before time began. The Bible very clearly addresses this fact as predestination, and the world accepts the ideas of destiny and fate accordingly. If God doesn't exist outside of all things created, then that would mean that He too was created, which would mean that He is not God, and that there is even one greater since there must be some sort of origin.
Webster's defines God as:
capitalized: the supreme or ultimate reality: as
If there is no God, and everything just created itself out of nothing, then there is no such thing as truth, right, wrong, integrity, nor purpose. We have no purpose in this life. We are simply blips in an infinite cycle of nothing, creating itself and destroying itself for no apparent reason and to no apparent end. We have the brief period of our life span to party like a rock star, go until the wheels come off, and no consequences for anything we do in this life. There are no parameters, nor moral obligation aside from that which we impose upon our self, and nobody to be accountable to unless we get CAUGHT breaking some man imposed law which is arbitrary at best since right and wrong are only a matter of perception and open to change.
Under this belief system, there are no true answers to real problems. We can come up with our own solutions based on our desires and assumptions. We take our problem, and we search for an answer we like. This implies we aren't really looking for the answer, since it may not only exist outside of what we "like", but it may exist outside of what we believe. After all, if we knew everything, then we wouldn't be looking for answers in the first place.
Under this belief system, there is nothing after this life, so there is no purpose to things we experience. If stuff just happens, just because, then there is no understanding to seek. Everything that nothing created, when "nothing exploded", is just on a random course of nothingness, so we had better cover our butt and watch out for number one. After all, we only have less than 100 years to exist, so we had better get the most out of it because... Because why? We won't remember it when we die under this belief system. We just return to nothingness, and become "one" with the caprice and wanton universe as it continues to randomly created and destroy itself whenever "nothing" gets tired of doing something.
Under this belief system, there are no concrete answers. There are no absolutes, and nobody has "the answer", because that too is only a matter of perception. We seek marriage counseling, family counseling, personal counseling, life counseling, and yet to no avail. The world system is based on this belief system. What is right to you, may not be what is right to me, so there is no right. That means we all need to get together, a democracy, and have as many people as possible put their opinion of what is right out there until we have some kind of a majority rule on the subject. This system worked well in Nazi Germany in the 1940's. The majority conceded that it was "right" to perform mass genocide, so they did. And why not? There is no price to pay for what we do. We are nothing after all, so who is really effected and who cares about how someone else, who is "nothing", feels? Why should we care?
If there is a God, then we were created on purpose, for a reason. That means there are such things as truth, right, wrong, integrity, and purpose because they are based on the Creator's own opinion on the different subjects. The Creator would be the source of all of these things, since it is Him we came from. There are different ideas of what the existence of God means, but most of the different opinions are derived from either lack of logic or lack of knowledge.
80% of America "claims" to be Christian and believe in God. Most people think that God exists, created everything, but that He has no involvement in everyday life. Kinda like He is doing a complete "hands off" project to see how everything works out. Like a science experiment. This logic is flawed, because if in fact there is a God, then that would have to mean that He exists outside of all things created. This would inevitably include time, which would mean that the end result of His creation is not unknown to Him. In fact, God's existence outside of time would even imply that the purpose and end of His creation was determined before time began. The Bible very clearly addresses this fact as predestination, and the world accepts the ideas of destiny and fate accordingly. If God doesn't exist outside of all things created, then that would mean that He too was created, which would mean that He is not God, and that there is even one greater since there must be some sort of origin.
Webster's defines God as:
capitalized: the supreme or ultimate reality: as
a: the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe.
Under this belief system we will all face our Maker one day. We will all be held accountable for the things we do in this life, and that there is an after life. Right and wrong are absolutes, and our conscience attests to this. We are more than able to sear our conscience that we may justify the things we want, but we each know the difference between right and wrong because God has given us a remnant of His Spirit. Everything we do has an end and purpose.
Under this belief system there are concrete answers to every question we seek the answer to, and the only inhibitor to us finding the answer is our willingness to look outside of what we want or believe. A person's acceptance of this belief system varies only because of our desire to keep God isolated in certain area's of our lives. Of course this is a fallacy, since if God truly is God, then how can that which is made hide any part of itself from Him who did the making? We are so foolish in our logic on the subject.
I have been asked not to talk about God so much. I have been ridiculed because I think God has something to do with everything. Is this really so silly? By very definition God is EVERYTHING. There is NOTHING more supreme, or beyond Him, or He is not God. So many people try to put God in a box, apply restraint and limitations to Him, and then still call Him God. What!?!? Where is the logic behind that one? The "supreme or ultimate reality" does NOT fit in any box we can conjure up ourselves, or He is not God. Period! How I wish people would take the time to assess what they really believe.
I believe the Bible is the infallible word of God, and I believe that God created everything for His own glory. Not out of obligation, but simply just because He wanted to. I believe God owes us nothing, for who are we compared to Him that He should even pay heed to us? I believe God has placed eternity in our hearts to give us a longing for Him, and that despite our finite existence to such an infinite being that we are His greatest treasures and He loves us.
This being said, I believe that EVERY single thing is of Him, through Him, and to Him. I also believe that God's purpose in our lives is to mold us into the image of Christ. Being humble, nonjudgmental, honest, living in truth, trusting in God entirely, living for others in the name of love, bold, fearless, and completely self-sacrificing is what brings God glory. This is what His desire and purpose is for us. To become His children, and become like His Son. Jesus Christ brings glory to God the Father.
It is with these beliefs that we are able to see things differently from the rest of the world. With this belief system, we confidently approach situations which arise in life knowing that NOTHING happens in vain. We are able to look at the trials and events in life, and see them through a different perspective. When something happens, it is for us to grow and become more like Christ. Keep this in mind Christian as you face each new day. Do not worry about the future, for God has it all ready figured out, but seek peace in your life by trusting in who He is. Faith, and every other principle of God's, goes entirely against the world system. God provided the answer to EVERY single problem by giving us Jesus Christ. Rest securely in that, and in Him, and do not let the poor logic and foolish pride of the world take away or distort such simple truth.
Monday, December 3, 2012
But a Man.
I am but a man. I struggle with pride. I struggle with commitment. I struggle with fear. I struggle with selfishness. I struggle with lying. I struggle with integrity. I struggle with my desires. I know who I am. I am but a man.
I dream though. I see my children, and I am moved with such compassion. Can I ever be all that they need? I want to be, and so I dream big. I see the woman who I love, and every time I see her I am reminded of how much I love her. Can I ever be the man she needs me to be? I want to, and so I dream big.
The bar seems so high, for I am but a man. How can I ever be who they deserve? Can I ever make right the wrongs I have done? Can I ever heal the wounds I made, and the scars I have left? Every day I struggle. Every day I fail in one area after another. I look in the mirror, and there I am... But a man.
Yet I dream. I know there is a way. I know I can do more. I know I can give more. I will not quit. I will not stop. Though I fail, though I am but a man, I will not give up! I dream bigger, and I push harder. They deserve it. They need it. There has to be hope even though I am but a man. So I fight harder, give more, and dream bigger.
I know I am but a man, but I know God is God. I may not be able to reach the bar I see, but I believe my God can bring me closer than I ever could get on my own. He created everything out of nothing. Spoke the universe into existence as a literal single spoken sentence. Is there anything too difficult for Him? So I dream big, I hope big, and I trust in Him.
He created each of us with a unique purpose, placed eternity in our hearts that we should seek Him, and has called us to a destiny that we will fulfill. Though I am but a man, my God is greater than all. The summation He gives of Himself is "I AM". The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. If there is any way for me to bring my dreams to fruition, the dreams of but a man, it is by the power and Spirit of the great "I AM". So I dream bigger. I push harder. I give more. I set out with all I am worth, pursuing Him who alone has the power to fulfill my hearts greatest desires.
Though I am but a man, my heart's desires are pure. I want to be everything my children need and deserve, for them. Because of them. For them. It is not about me, but about them. My purpose is pure and in love, but I am still but a man. I want to be everything this special woman needs and deserves, for her. It is not about me, but about her. My purpose is pure and in love, but I am still but a man.
I believe that my God can make me who I need to be. I believe nothing is impossible for the One who holds all things together by the power of His Word. The One who, if He were to gather His breath unto Himself all things would turn to dust, is able to accomplish what I, being but a man, could never do alone. In Him I hope. In Him I trust. Before Him I lie prostrate upon the ground, and I cry. I do not cry tears of pity, but rather I cry tears of love and hope. The great "I AM" came for us. He came down as but a man, and He gave His life in great suffering and humiliation that we, being but men, could come to Him to make us whole again.
I know what I deserve, for I am a sinful man, and yet God gives me mercy and grace. I am but a man. I struggle with pride. I struggle with commitment. I struggle with fear. I struggle with selfishness. I struggle with lying. I struggle with integrity. I struggle with my desires. I know who I am. I am but a man. I know who God is though. So, though I am but a man, I strive harder, I hope more, I dream bigger, I give more, I fight harder, and I will NEVER give up! Though the bar is high, and I may never be able to be everything I would like to offer to my children and this special woman, my confidence does NOT rest in me, for I am but a man, but my confidence rest in Him who loved me enough to give His life for me. In this I know that though I am but a man, God will make sure it is enough and He will fill in where I have fallen short. He is faithful and will indeed finish what He has started, even though I am but a man.
I dream though. I see my children, and I am moved with such compassion. Can I ever be all that they need? I want to be, and so I dream big. I see the woman who I love, and every time I see her I am reminded of how much I love her. Can I ever be the man she needs me to be? I want to, and so I dream big.
The bar seems so high, for I am but a man. How can I ever be who they deserve? Can I ever make right the wrongs I have done? Can I ever heal the wounds I made, and the scars I have left? Every day I struggle. Every day I fail in one area after another. I look in the mirror, and there I am... But a man.
Yet I dream. I know there is a way. I know I can do more. I know I can give more. I will not quit. I will not stop. Though I fail, though I am but a man, I will not give up! I dream bigger, and I push harder. They deserve it. They need it. There has to be hope even though I am but a man. So I fight harder, give more, and dream bigger.
I know I am but a man, but I know God is God. I may not be able to reach the bar I see, but I believe my God can bring me closer than I ever could get on my own. He created everything out of nothing. Spoke the universe into existence as a literal single spoken sentence. Is there anything too difficult for Him? So I dream big, I hope big, and I trust in Him.
He created each of us with a unique purpose, placed eternity in our hearts that we should seek Him, and has called us to a destiny that we will fulfill. Though I am but a man, my God is greater than all. The summation He gives of Himself is "I AM". The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. If there is any way for me to bring my dreams to fruition, the dreams of but a man, it is by the power and Spirit of the great "I AM". So I dream bigger. I push harder. I give more. I set out with all I am worth, pursuing Him who alone has the power to fulfill my hearts greatest desires.
Though I am but a man, my heart's desires are pure. I want to be everything my children need and deserve, for them. Because of them. For them. It is not about me, but about them. My purpose is pure and in love, but I am still but a man. I want to be everything this special woman needs and deserves, for her. It is not about me, but about her. My purpose is pure and in love, but I am still but a man.
I believe that my God can make me who I need to be. I believe nothing is impossible for the One who holds all things together by the power of His Word. The One who, if He were to gather His breath unto Himself all things would turn to dust, is able to accomplish what I, being but a man, could never do alone. In Him I hope. In Him I trust. Before Him I lie prostrate upon the ground, and I cry. I do not cry tears of pity, but rather I cry tears of love and hope. The great "I AM" came for us. He came down as but a man, and He gave His life in great suffering and humiliation that we, being but men, could come to Him to make us whole again.
I know what I deserve, for I am a sinful man, and yet God gives me mercy and grace. I am but a man. I struggle with pride. I struggle with commitment. I struggle with fear. I struggle with selfishness. I struggle with lying. I struggle with integrity. I struggle with my desires. I know who I am. I am but a man. I know who God is though. So, though I am but a man, I strive harder, I hope more, I dream bigger, I give more, I fight harder, and I will NEVER give up! Though the bar is high, and I may never be able to be everything I would like to offer to my children and this special woman, my confidence does NOT rest in me, for I am but a man, but my confidence rest in Him who loved me enough to give His life for me. In this I know that though I am but a man, God will make sure it is enough and He will fill in where I have fallen short. He is faithful and will indeed finish what He has started, even though I am but a man.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Christianinty
Most people that call themselves Christians, do so just because they at least say that they believe in God and in some form of Jesus. This is a diluted, perverted, and distorted idea twisted into reality by man. For the most part, it is their story so they can tell it like they want, but a person's story does not alter truth.
Jesus makes it very clear what we must do to follow Him. Following Him is the natural consequence of a person trusting IN Him. Everyone knows there is a God, but being a Christian is being like Christ. Jesus' entire life was to glorify the Father. If we are not following Jesus, then we are by no means a Christian and, in fact, are taking the name of the Lord in vain. There are some simple facts that line this out, that maybe we can properly evaluate whether we are in fact Christians, or if we are lying to ourselves.
Just believing there is a God is NOT enough.
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
These demons that believe in God and tremble, do so for a valid reason, proving that believing God exists does not count one as a Christian.
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:"
-Matthew 25:41
There will be a day of judgement.
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left."
-Matthew 25:31-33
"The day of judgment is certain to come. And it will be like a red-hot furnace with flames that burn up proud and sinful people, as though they were straw. Not a branch or a root will be left. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken! But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays, and you will jump around like calves at play. When I come to bring justice, you will trample those who are evil, as though they were ashes under your feet. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken!"
-Malachi 4:1-3
"Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
-Revelation 20:11-15
"And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power; when he shall come to be glorified in his saints, and to be admired in all them that believe (because our testimony among you was believed) in that day."
-2 Thessalonians 1:7-10
There are absolute differences between a Christian and non-Christian.
"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
"Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
-Matthew 25:34-46
No one has an excuse for not glorifying God as God.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
-Romans 1:18-23
What if a person doesn't know of Jesus, or isn't "called" a Christian?
"For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law (for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified; for when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) in the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.
-Romans 2:12-16
The word "Christian" was made up by men to coin those who followed Christ. As in the verse above, every single one of us knows the difference between right and wrong. We are more than capable of searing our conscience or justifying our actions, but it doesn't change the underlying principles of what we are doing. Some people call them selves Christians, who are not, and some people are Christians, but do not call them self such. The bottom line is the intent of our heart. Are we thankful to God, glorifying Him for His greatness and mercy, striving to do what is right because we know it is right, or are we bitter, angry, denying God, and doing what we please because we could careless about what is right.
In this world today it is a common belief that right and wrong are ambiguous. That we are each god in our own right, and that we are the "masters of our own destiny". All of these beliefs deny God and who He is. It is our foolish pride rising against the truth of God, because we do not want to submit to anyone. Such foolishness indeed!
"Woe to those who seek deep to hide their counsel far from the Lord, and their works are in the dark; they say, “Who sees us?” and, “Who knows us?” Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?"
-Isaiah 29:15-16
What a Christian looks like.
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
-John 14:6
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.""
-Matthew 16:24-25
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit."
-1 Peter 4:1-6
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”"
-1 Peter 4:8
" Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter."
-1 Peter 4:12-16
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."
-1 John 2:3-6
"Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
-1 John 3:13-23
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:7-19
Our faith in Jesus Christ is manifest by our obedience, in love.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If we call our self a Christian, then we should live it. NOT professing something we do not know, making our self a liar. It is ONLY by our love for one another that we are separated from the world. It does NOT matter what we say. It does NOT matter what we call our self, or what our verbal declaration is. Is what matters is how we live. Are we laying our lives down for others, putting away our selfish pride, or are we bitterly contesting for "what we deserve".
I know full well the things I have done in my life, and I do not want what I deserve for them. I desire mercy, for I am a horrible man who has done horrible things. I am a sinner, selfish, and destructive, and I deserve death for my sins against God and the people He placed in my life. I believe Jesus, out of love, paid the entire price for the sins I have committed. God did this because He loves us, and all we need to do is believe in the sacrifice He made for us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16
For this I am so very thankful! This amazing gift God has given us... Life, forgiveness, a clean slate, hope, and love... Freely we have received, so freely we are to give!
Jesus makes it very clear what we must do to follow Him. Following Him is the natural consequence of a person trusting IN Him. Everyone knows there is a God, but being a Christian is being like Christ. Jesus' entire life was to glorify the Father. If we are not following Jesus, then we are by no means a Christian and, in fact, are taking the name of the Lord in vain. There are some simple facts that line this out, that maybe we can properly evaluate whether we are in fact Christians, or if we are lying to ourselves.
Just believing there is a God is NOT enough.
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
These demons that believe in God and tremble, do so for a valid reason, proving that believing God exists does not count one as a Christian.
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:"
-Matthew 25:41
There will be a day of judgement.
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left."
-Matthew 25:31-33
"The day of judgment is certain to come. And it will be like a red-hot furnace with flames that burn up proud and sinful people, as though they were straw. Not a branch or a root will be left. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken! But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays, and you will jump around like calves at play. When I come to bring justice, you will trample those who are evil, as though they were ashes under your feet. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken!"
-Malachi 4:1-3
"Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
-Revelation 20:11-15
"And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power; when he shall come to be glorified in his saints, and to be admired in all them that believe (because our testimony among you was believed) in that day."
-2 Thessalonians 1:7-10
There are absolute differences between a Christian and non-Christian.
"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
"Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
-Matthew 25:34-46
No one has an excuse for not glorifying God as God.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
-Romans 1:18-23
What if a person doesn't know of Jesus, or isn't "called" a Christian?
"For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law (for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified; for when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) in the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.
-Romans 2:12-16
The word "Christian" was made up by men to coin those who followed Christ. As in the verse above, every single one of us knows the difference between right and wrong. We are more than capable of searing our conscience or justifying our actions, but it doesn't change the underlying principles of what we are doing. Some people call them selves Christians, who are not, and some people are Christians, but do not call them self such. The bottom line is the intent of our heart. Are we thankful to God, glorifying Him for His greatness and mercy, striving to do what is right because we know it is right, or are we bitter, angry, denying God, and doing what we please because we could careless about what is right.
In this world today it is a common belief that right and wrong are ambiguous. That we are each god in our own right, and that we are the "masters of our own destiny". All of these beliefs deny God and who He is. It is our foolish pride rising against the truth of God, because we do not want to submit to anyone. Such foolishness indeed!
"Woe to those who seek deep to hide their counsel far from the Lord, and their works are in the dark; they say, “Who sees us?” and, “Who knows us?” Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?"
-Isaiah 29:15-16
What a Christian looks like.
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
-John 14:6
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.""
-Matthew 16:24-25
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit."
-1 Peter 4:1-6
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”"
-1 Peter 4:8
" Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter."
-1 Peter 4:12-16
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."
-1 John 2:3-6
"Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
-1 John 3:13-23
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:7-19
Our faith in Jesus Christ is manifest by our obedience, in love.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If we call our self a Christian, then we should live it. NOT professing something we do not know, making our self a liar. It is ONLY by our love for one another that we are separated from the world. It does NOT matter what we say. It does NOT matter what we call our self, or what our verbal declaration is. Is what matters is how we live. Are we laying our lives down for others, putting away our selfish pride, or are we bitterly contesting for "what we deserve".
I know full well the things I have done in my life, and I do not want what I deserve for them. I desire mercy, for I am a horrible man who has done horrible things. I am a sinner, selfish, and destructive, and I deserve death for my sins against God and the people He placed in my life. I believe Jesus, out of love, paid the entire price for the sins I have committed. God did this because He loves us, and all we need to do is believe in the sacrifice He made for us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16
For this I am so very thankful! This amazing gift God has given us... Life, forgiveness, a clean slate, hope, and love... Freely we have received, so freely we are to give!
Monday, November 26, 2012
My Testimony (Part 6)
I was locked in a four man cell for about 20 hours a day while I was in Ada County, and then had the other four hours to eat, make phone calls, or socialize. I spent most of the time I was locked in the four man cell reading the Bible. Not because I was bored, and not because I wanted to pass the time. I had "passed" enough time in my life, and it was time to make it count for something. I read the Bible constantly, because I wanted what God had to offer. I wanted to know Jesus, to breath Jesus, so that I could be the man God made me to be.
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Testimony (Part 5)
Making the choice to let go entirely of my hopes, dreams, desires, and life was difficult, but the application has been progressive. I knew that my life, as I knew, had just ended. I had no idea what lied ahead, but I knew it was necessary in order for me to become the man that my wife and kids needed me to be and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had made the choice and commitment to lay down my life, to die for my wife and kids, but now the application of such a commitment was revealed to me as a daily struggle.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
My Testimony (Part 4)
I prayed more, and more. This was not just an idea. This was going to be real, and I was going to mean it. As I sought answers, a memory came to me. One I will never forget.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
My Testimony (Part 3)
I had grown up in a Christian home, and even graduated from a Christian High School. I had gone to church most of my life, and I understood Christianese pretty well. I had done the "church thing". It was just a bunch of religion that never really amounted to much. A bunch of motions that were truly meaningless and seemed like a big waste of time. I knew that God was real, but I didn't see how that ever made any difference in my life. Well, everything I thought I knew was about to be shattered.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
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