I KNEW that God was answering my prayer to make me that man that my wife and kids needed me to be. Every day I rested in this fact, and I watched for the opportunities to continue to grow. I did not know that I was going to be going to prison, but I KNEW that God was performing His will. I KNEW that I wanted whatever needed to be done in order for me to become the man my family needed me to be. Sure... I wanted to go home, but not if I wasn't ready. What good would that do me? If I needed to go to prison in order for my prayer to be answered, then I was ready to go to prison. I KNEW that EVERYTHING that had happened in my life to this point, and that would happen, was for the best.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28
I thought I might go home, because I already felt like there had been many deep changes within me. When I saw Judge Neville, he sent me to prison though. When I went back to the holding cell, I danced. I trusted God completely, and I was excited to see what He had in store for me. The rest of the time in county, before I went to prison, everyone was just amazed that I was going to prison. Even the Deputies did not expect to see me have to go to prison, yet alone with a smile. God had blessed me though with great faith, comfort, and had destroyed all fear.
Once I got to RDU, my zeal and hope did not waiver. God continued to reveal Him self to me in mighty ways. My wife and I still argued horribly on the phone, and we could hardly even talk to each other. I felt so bad, and I just wanted to make things right, but I had hurt her so bad that there was no trust left. I would try to share things with her that I was beginning to understand and see, but they rightfully fell on deaf ears. I didn't deserve her respect, attention, nor trust.
The weight of my guilt for what I had done to my wife and my kids almost destroyed me. While I was in RDU though, God opened the book of Jeremiah to me. In this book, God's absolute sovereignty is portrayed in undeniable words. As God gave me understanding about His sovereignty, He showed me that in order for me to be where I was in that moment it required me to endure all of the things I had experienced over the course of my life.
All of the pain I had endured. All of the heart ache I had felt. All of the failures I had made. All of the pain I had caused. God showed me that just as all of these experiences were necessary for me to become who I was, such experiences are just as necessary in other people's lives. With this understanding He gave me this analogy in vivid detail.
I was driving my car down the road, and I continued to run over mailboxes. I felt so bad because I had done so much damage to other people's mailboxes. All the pain I had caused was just gut wrenching. I got over into the passenger seat, and asked Jesus to take the wheel. As He did, as I surrendered my will to Him because I did not want to hurt anyone anymore, I cried. I felt so bad for all of the pain I had caused, and I was guilty. I knew I had done it by trying to do things my way, and I felt so bad for what I had done. Jesus looked at me, and told me that I was forgiven. He told me that He had bore the shame and pain of the cross that I would not have to bare the guilt. He then told me that the mailboxes I had ran over needed to be replaced anyways. Nothing happens on accident, and God does not waste anything. It is through pain and trials that we grow, and Jesus would use my failures to shape those whom I had harmed. I knew that as long as He was driving, His will was being done instead of mine, that I would not be hitting anymore mailboxes. I did not want to hurt anyone ever again, but the guilt of what I had done was gone. God was in control, and God is good.
From this point forward I no longer have had to bare the guilt of what I did in my sin. I had repented, in truth, and I was forgiven. The repentance was genuine, for I never wanted, nor want, to repeat the things that I have done. Though I had been forgiven, and the weight of the guilt lifted, it did not automatically make things right with those I had hurt. I quit trying to share these things with my wife, for we were not at a place where we could share meaningful conversations. I had nothing to prove to anyone, and ONLY the consistent actions of love and time could heal what I had done. I continued to press forward, and I thanked God for the wisdom and understanding He had given me.
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