I had grown up in a Christian home, and even graduated from a Christian High School. I had gone to church most of my life, and I understood Christianese pretty well. I had done the "church thing". It was just a bunch of religion that never really amounted to much. A bunch of motions that were truly meaningless and seemed like a big waste of time. I knew that God was real, but I didn't see how that ever made any difference in my life. Well, everything I thought I knew was about to be shattered.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
As I was searching the depths of my heart, the truths of my life, and looking desperately for answers, I prayed. I prayed a lot as I was going through this in depth self-evaluation, and I believe that the revelations I received were in fact an answer to my prayers. The conclusions I came to were not anything that someone could have told me. They were nothing I had ever heard before, or if I had I was never able to receive them. A light shined in my heart and pierced the darkness behind the high walls I had built and hidden behind for all of my life.
After the conversation with my wife and dad, I went to God in prayer. I remember asking him how it was possible that I could love my wife and kids so much, and yet it not be love. I remember telling God that I would die for them, and that I didn't understand how that was not enough. These prayers were genuine, sincere, and I had to have answers.
As I continued to sort through the skeletons in my closet, I came across one that is so common for all of us. I was trying to figure out how I had become so selfish. I had to know what it was that drove me to seek outside affirmation about myself, to know why I was so insecure. I knew I was insecure, because if I wasn't, then I would not be motivated by pride. A person who is secure in who they are, could flat out care less what anyone else has to say about them. That was not me. My house, my cars, my clothes, everything about me proved that I indeed cared very much what other people thought about me.
I found this deep hole within me. Everything I did was because I needed and wanted to be loved, appreciated, and valued. Everything I did was all about my needs. To protect my self from being hurt, I built massive walls around the real me. I felt I had to be guarded. I began to look for when this trend began in my life. I knew it didn't start with my wife, and that I had brought these walls and emptiness with me into my marriage.
I thought back to that one girl who I had loved, and she cheated on me and then left me. I remembered back to when my parents would go out and party all the time, and leave my brother and me with my grandparents. That created fear of abandonment, anxiety, and could have been the cause of my feeling that if I didn't look out for my self, then nobody else was going to. As I was thinking these things, I could have very easily just placed the blame on any one of these times in my life and said that was the cause. Thankfully God did not let me deceive myself.
God made it very clear to me that it did not matter when this started, nor how. The only thing that mattered is that it was there. My selfishness and pride were real, and the destruction it wrought in my life was not a game. I did not place blame for my current state on anything in my past. I accepted who I was, and it was the current condition that was relevant, not how I got there.
I continued to focus on the present, on the issue at hand, and how to resolve such a powerfully hidden and destructive problem. When I told God that I would die for my family, I meant it. I really would have, or so I believed. The problem was that though I felt so strongly that I would give my life for them, there I was sitting in jail because I couldn't even put their needs before mine. The two could not coexist. Logic says you either are, or you aren't.
I either loved them, in truth and action, or I didn't. I accepted the fact that though I did truly love them to the best of my ability, it was sadly far from what love really is. I knew that if I really loved them, then it should be unconditional. Their needs would supersede mine, and I would do whatever must be done regardless of the self-sacrifice.
As I diligently sought an answer from God, he answered me in a way I did not expect. I had been reading a lot of the Bible over that six week period, because I didn't have all the answers. If I did, then I wouldn't have been sitting in jail. I had exhausted all of my resources, and needed something beyond me. As I was reading, there were verses that continued to strike deep cords within me.
"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:25
"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20
"...knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."
-Romans 6:6-7
"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
-Luke 17:33
"...If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
-Matthew 16:24-25
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
-Galations 5:22-24
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
-John 12:24
As I read through the New Testament I saw something I had never seen before. Jesus' entire ministry He taught an "all or nothing" ministry. I had always just did things my way and tried to "add" God into the picture when I needed Him. That is not at all what the Bible says. I was seeing, by way of verses like the ones above, that God demands our entire life or we are not worthy of Him. There were no two ways about it. I knew what real love should look like...
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
-John 15:13
I knew, without doubt, that Jesus was right. When I told God I would die for my wife and kids, he used these verses to tell me to prove it. God was promising that if I would die to my self, take up my cross in self-sacrifice, and follow Jesus then I would finally be able to love the way I was meant to. God showed me what it meant to "kill my self". It was not taking a selfish escape route, but rather making a deliberate choice to put my self last.
So it was clear that I had to die in order to ever be the man my wife and kids needed me to be, and I was willing to die for them. My life no longer mattered to me, and I was going to do whatever it took to love them in such a way that it would positively impact their lives. To die... I just had to figure out how to make such a concept applicable. It is one thing to have an understanding about something, and a whole different thing to be able to implement. I sought more answers from God. I had to know how to die. I prayed harder and read more.
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