There I was... Sitting in jail yet again. I never imagined in a million years I would be there again. My life had changed so much since I was convicted of my felonies more than ten years earlier when I was all strung out on meth. I was trying this time, hard. How was this possible? Why couldn't I break free from this horrible cycle of defeat?
If you know me at all, then you know I am persistent, strong willed, determined, and unwilling to give up. Here I sat, in jail, with my entire life coming unraveled. Our marriage was already falling apart, but now my wife left me. I had failed the woman I loved the most, my precious children whom meant so much to me, and I did it all under a conviction that I was truly do the best I possibly could. I was not OK with the results of my efforts. In fact, they down right scared me. If I had done the best I could possibly do, and failed so miserably, then there was no hope for me. How could I possibly do more than my best?
I refused to give up though. There was no way that that was all my life was supposed to be. There had to be more! A saying that my old basketball coach, used to say came to my mind. He would tell us to push our selves. He would tell us not to give up, roll over, and pee on our self like a little puppy. I was not going to give up! I was not going to roll over and pee on my self like a little puppy!
I began to examine my life vigorously. There had to be an answer. As I began to get rid of all the excuses, all the blame, and take an honest look at who I was as a person, I found things I never knew existed. As I found these huge truths, I was absolutely dumbfounded that I could possibly have been so blind.
This was about a six week process for me, and every single day I kept looking, searching. I did not think I was going to prison, and quite honestly... That was not what was important to me. My life was on the line here. My family was on the line here. I had much bigger things to worry about than whether or not I was going to be in a time out for awhile. I knew I could have just chosen to not drink for the next two years and just be done with this retarded probation, but that wasn't the problem. My life was falling apart at the core, and me choosing to drink was simply an out showing of the mess that was going on inside. I had to find the cause, not just address the symptom.
I started to see how everything was all about me. I realized that every single man sitting in that jail had one thing in common. We were all selfish enough to end up there. Regardless of the actual crime, the root in every single instance was selfishness. That was it. How simple indeed.
I could accept I had been selfish. I knew that drinking was a violation of my probation, that my family that needed me could be deprived of me if I violated my probation, yet I chose to do it anyway. Thing is though, I had no idea how bad it really was.
I started writing a letter to the judge. I started to say how maybe I should join the military, because I obviously lacked discipline. As I was writing, I saw this for the excuse it was. I didn't lack discipline. I worked out seven days a week for the last ten years, and I was in amazing shape. Obviously I had discipline, for the things I wanted. I simply did something I knew I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to. That was it. No excuse. I was selfish.
In another part of the same letter, I had written that I violated my probation because I had been so depressed and just didn't care anymore. Depression is always a valid excuse for doing dumb things, and I had never been more depressed in my entire life than I had been that spring.
I began to question why I had been so depressed. My answers were that my life wasn't going how I had hoped. I was struggling financially. My wife didn't love me. I was lonely. I was hurt. As I began to give these answers, it occurred to me how every single answer was about me. The words "my","I", "me", and "mine" were in every reason. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks! My depression was just one big pity party because I was selfish, and it was all about me. Poor me! Wah! Wah! I was thoroughly disgusted with myself at this point, and I threw the letter away. I was repulsive! How dare I be so selfish.
I told my dad, while talking to him on the phone, how much I loved my wife and kids. He responded by telling me that it didn't look like it. I told my wife how much I loved her. She told me that it didn't matter how I felt. It mattered how she felt, and she didn't feel loved. These two instances occurred one after the other, and my world was rocked. How could I love as much as I knew how, yet it not even be love?
It was because I loved them only as they were relative to me. I stood in the way and kept my self from loving them unconditionally. It was all about me. I did love them as much as I possibly could while being a selfish person. I was the inhibitor. I didn't love my wife unconditionally. If I did, then I would have been able to continue to love her even when I didn't feel loved. I didn't though. I had so much anger, resentment, and hate for her because I didn't feel like she loved me. That wasn't a love that was ever about her. That was a selfish excuse for love that was all about me.
I realized then that it was selfishness that was destroying my life. It was selfishness that was keeping me from being the man I knew I could be, and it was selfishness that was keeping my family from being what it was supposed to be. I saw, for the first time in my life, the truth of the person I was. Every single problem I had ever had in my life was caused by selfishness. All of them, without exception. I knew the cause, finally, and could now determine a solution. To me, the answer was revealed in an extremely powerful, simple, and blunt way. How do you conquer selfishness? Easy... Kill yourself.
If you know me at all, then you know I am persistent, strong willed, determined, and unwilling to give up. Here I sat, in jail, with my entire life coming unraveled. Our marriage was already falling apart, but now my wife left me. I had failed the woman I loved the most, my precious children whom meant so much to me, and I did it all under a conviction that I was truly do the best I possibly could. I was not OK with the results of my efforts. In fact, they down right scared me. If I had done the best I could possibly do, and failed so miserably, then there was no hope for me. How could I possibly do more than my best?
I refused to give up though. There was no way that that was all my life was supposed to be. There had to be more! A saying that my old basketball coach, used to say came to my mind. He would tell us to push our selves. He would tell us not to give up, roll over, and pee on our self like a little puppy. I was not going to give up! I was not going to roll over and pee on my self like a little puppy!
I began to examine my life vigorously. There had to be an answer. As I began to get rid of all the excuses, all the blame, and take an honest look at who I was as a person, I found things I never knew existed. As I found these huge truths, I was absolutely dumbfounded that I could possibly have been so blind.
This was about a six week process for me, and every single day I kept looking, searching. I did not think I was going to prison, and quite honestly... That was not what was important to me. My life was on the line here. My family was on the line here. I had much bigger things to worry about than whether or not I was going to be in a time out for awhile. I knew I could have just chosen to not drink for the next two years and just be done with this retarded probation, but that wasn't the problem. My life was falling apart at the core, and me choosing to drink was simply an out showing of the mess that was going on inside. I had to find the cause, not just address the symptom.
I started to see how everything was all about me. I realized that every single man sitting in that jail had one thing in common. We were all selfish enough to end up there. Regardless of the actual crime, the root in every single instance was selfishness. That was it. How simple indeed.
I could accept I had been selfish. I knew that drinking was a violation of my probation, that my family that needed me could be deprived of me if I violated my probation, yet I chose to do it anyway. Thing is though, I had no idea how bad it really was.
I started writing a letter to the judge. I started to say how maybe I should join the military, because I obviously lacked discipline. As I was writing, I saw this for the excuse it was. I didn't lack discipline. I worked out seven days a week for the last ten years, and I was in amazing shape. Obviously I had discipline, for the things I wanted. I simply did something I knew I wasn't supposed to, just because I wanted to. That was it. No excuse. I was selfish.
In another part of the same letter, I had written that I violated my probation because I had been so depressed and just didn't care anymore. Depression is always a valid excuse for doing dumb things, and I had never been more depressed in my entire life than I had been that spring.
I began to question why I had been so depressed. My answers were that my life wasn't going how I had hoped. I was struggling financially. My wife didn't love me. I was lonely. I was hurt. As I began to give these answers, it occurred to me how every single answer was about me. The words "my","I", "me", and "mine" were in every reason. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks! My depression was just one big pity party because I was selfish, and it was all about me. Poor me! Wah! Wah! I was thoroughly disgusted with myself at this point, and I threw the letter away. I was repulsive! How dare I be so selfish.
I told my dad, while talking to him on the phone, how much I loved my wife and kids. He responded by telling me that it didn't look like it. I told my wife how much I loved her. She told me that it didn't matter how I felt. It mattered how she felt, and she didn't feel loved. These two instances occurred one after the other, and my world was rocked. How could I love as much as I knew how, yet it not even be love?
It was because I loved them only as they were relative to me. I stood in the way and kept my self from loving them unconditionally. It was all about me. I did love them as much as I possibly could while being a selfish person. I was the inhibitor. I didn't love my wife unconditionally. If I did, then I would have been able to continue to love her even when I didn't feel loved. I didn't though. I had so much anger, resentment, and hate for her because I didn't feel like she loved me. That wasn't a love that was ever about her. That was a selfish excuse for love that was all about me.
I realized then that it was selfishness that was destroying my life. It was selfishness that was keeping me from being the man I knew I could be, and it was selfishness that was keeping my family from being what it was supposed to be. I saw, for the first time in my life, the truth of the person I was. Every single problem I had ever had in my life was caused by selfishness. All of them, without exception. I knew the cause, finally, and could now determine a solution. To me, the answer was revealed in an extremely powerful, simple, and blunt way. How do you conquer selfishness? Easy... Kill yourself.
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