It doesn't matter what someone else has to say to us, unless we are humble enough to be able to receive it. Every one of us is right in our own eyes, and it requires humility and wisdom to be able to accept what another has to say when it is in contradiction to our beliefs. Though the things I am sharing are based in simple truth and facts, each of us must arrive at our own conclusions. There comes a time in our lives where we seem to just "wake up", and "get it". This is a defining turning point that we will never be able to forget. A moment of clarity where we are able to objectively see things about our self, and accept the truth for what it is. I want to share this moment from my life.
In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.
During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.
There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.
After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.
In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.
During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.
There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.
The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.
While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.
I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.
There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.
In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.
In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!
I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.
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