I prayed more, and more. This was not just an idea. This was going to be real, and I was going to mean it. As I sought answers, a memory came to me. One I will never forget.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
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