It is never too late for us to return to God. His call is constant, His love unfailing, and His forgiveness complete. He simply desires us to turn to Him with our whole heart. The price is already paid for every sin we have ever committed, and all we have to do is trust Him to perform according to His Word.
The hardest thing for us to do is to see our self for who we really are. So many of us are so calloused and disillusioned that we think we are just fine without Him, but we aren't. Our depravity is deep, and permeates every aspect of our lives. Before we can turn to God with our whole heart, we must realize we need Him. We must see our shortcomings and failures for what they really are. They are wretched, damaging, and hurtful to everyone around us, yet alone our selves, and there is nothing we can do of our own accord to change them. If there were, we would not need a Savior and Jesus would not had to have given His life to redeem us.
If God is calling you, tugging on your heart, do not let the guilt and shame of the realization of the thing you have done keep you from turning to Him for healing. He forgives you, He loves you, and He already knows all that you have done. Today can be the day of your salvation. Today can be the day that you are set free from all of the pain, guilt, shame, and failure. Today you can turn to the Lord, call on His great Name, and trust Him to do what we cannot do of our own accord.
Think about it. Does it hurt bad enough yet? How much more must you, and more importantly your loved ones, endure before it does hurt bad enough. There is no short cut. There is no other way. There are more "self-help" programs and ideas in the world today than ever before, and the violence and divorce rates continue to climb at exponential rates. If the world had the answer, this would not be. There is one answer, and one name which we can be saved from our great depravity. Jesus of Nazareth, God come in the flesh to His people to offer life, and life more abundantly.
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Marriage
I know so many people that are going through divorce, thinking about it, or have gone through it. I want to share what God shown me about divorce.
As I sat in the Idaho private prison I found out that the woman I had married was seeing another man. My immediate response was to completely discard her and everything about her. I was just going to find someone else. About two hours after I had gotten off the phone with her, I picked up my Bible. The very first verses I read were these...
God is absolutely sovereign. It was no accident that I picked my Bible up after that conversation and this was the first thing I read. In these verses God showed me, with great conviction, that it was not my place to walk away from the woman God had given me to love. In fact, God showed me that the only reason why I would do such a thing would be out of pure selfishness. If it hurt too bad, or if I just couldn't forgive her (Because of the hardness of your heart), then God did allow for divorce.
However, God had brought me to a place in my life where I was changed. He had showed me that it was the call of a Christian, a true follower of Christ, to "take up our cross and follow him". Jesus bore all of the shame and pain of the cross, all the way to death, for the love He had for His Church. The church is the "bride" of Christ, and us men are to love our wives as Jesus loves the Church. I would have to take up my cross, bare the shame and pain, and pour out my life in love to the wife God had given me.
Many people ask questions about whether we were walking with God when we were married, but that is a foolish question. How does that matter? Either God is God all of the time, or He isn't. God is God all of the time. If any one of us marries another, it is because God brought us together. If God joins something, it is not His intent for that union to be broke. It is only "Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept". People, men or women, walk away from a marriage ONLY out of selfishness. Period.
My love for my wife is truly for her, who she really is. I want to see her in heaven with me, which means she must come to know Jesus Christ. This has absolutely nothing to do with me. God has made me to love her. It is His love shining through me that she will see the love of God that has changed my life. I will not pretend to know how this will all play out, but I know my God. He has shown me what I must do, and I love Him enough to do it. It is not a love in my own strength in which I am to love her, for my own love is selfish and about me. It must by in God's love, which is truly about her.
I realize that many people cannot receive this, but this is what God has to say on the subject. Things have never seemed more bleak or hopeless in regards to reconciliation with my wife than they do now. Every day, in so many ways, the temptations come to just walk away. God holds me fast though. What kind of a man would I be if I walked away and gave up on my family anyways? If you are married, then know that God has joined you to your spouse. In spirit and in body. You are now one. You need to be all in!! If you truly love that person, then they deserve your all. If you are not willing to give it, then maybe you should re-evaluate your love for them. If you are a Christian, then you are without excuse. Pick up your cross, deny your self, and love your spouse for all you are worth. After all, that is a Christian by definition. May God bless your marriages!! Fight, and fight for all you are worth.
As I sat in the Idaho private prison I found out that the woman I had married was seeing another man. My immediate response was to completely discard her and everything about her. I was just going to find someone else. About two hours after I had gotten off the phone with her, I picked up my Bible. The very first verses I read were these...
Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again.
2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him.
3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”
5 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh’; [b] so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
-Mark 10:1-12
-Mark 10:1-12
God is absolutely sovereign. It was no accident that I picked my Bible up after that conversation and this was the first thing I read. In these verses God showed me, with great conviction, that it was not my place to walk away from the woman God had given me to love. In fact, God showed me that the only reason why I would do such a thing would be out of pure selfishness. If it hurt too bad, or if I just couldn't forgive her (Because of the hardness of your heart), then God did allow for divorce.
However, God had brought me to a place in my life where I was changed. He had showed me that it was the call of a Christian, a true follower of Christ, to "take up our cross and follow him". Jesus bore all of the shame and pain of the cross, all the way to death, for the love He had for His Church. The church is the "bride" of Christ, and us men are to love our wives as Jesus loves the Church. I would have to take up my cross, bare the shame and pain, and pour out my life in love to the wife God had given me.
Many people ask questions about whether we were walking with God when we were married, but that is a foolish question. How does that matter? Either God is God all of the time, or He isn't. God is God all of the time. If any one of us marries another, it is because God brought us together. If God joins something, it is not His intent for that union to be broke. It is only "Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept". People, men or women, walk away from a marriage ONLY out of selfishness. Period.
My love for my wife is truly for her, who she really is. I want to see her in heaven with me, which means she must come to know Jesus Christ. This has absolutely nothing to do with me. God has made me to love her. It is His love shining through me that she will see the love of God that has changed my life. I will not pretend to know how this will all play out, but I know my God. He has shown me what I must do, and I love Him enough to do it. It is not a love in my own strength in which I am to love her, for my own love is selfish and about me. It must by in God's love, which is truly about her.
I realize that many people cannot receive this, but this is what God has to say on the subject. Things have never seemed more bleak or hopeless in regards to reconciliation with my wife than they do now. Every day, in so many ways, the temptations come to just walk away. God holds me fast though. What kind of a man would I be if I walked away and gave up on my family anyways? If you are married, then know that God has joined you to your spouse. In spirit and in body. You are now one. You need to be all in!! If you truly love that person, then they deserve your all. If you are not willing to give it, then maybe you should re-evaluate your love for them. If you are a Christian, then you are without excuse. Pick up your cross, deny your self, and love your spouse for all you are worth. After all, that is a Christian by definition. May God bless your marriages!! Fight, and fight for all you are worth.
Monday, December 10, 2012
View
There are two fundamental views of the world, and our existence. Either there is a God, and He created everything, or there is no God, and everything created itself. Depending on our view, we will see and understand things accordingly. The world view is surely different from that of a Christian, but even many who profess to be Christian do not truly believe or understand what it is they are professing.
If there is no God, and everything just created itself out of nothing, then there is no such thing as truth, right, wrong, integrity, nor purpose. We have no purpose in this life. We are simply blips in an infinite cycle of nothing, creating itself and destroying itself for no apparent reason and to no apparent end. We have the brief period of our life span to party like a rock star, go until the wheels come off, and no consequences for anything we do in this life. There are no parameters, nor moral obligation aside from that which we impose upon our self, and nobody to be accountable to unless we get CAUGHT breaking some man imposed law which is arbitrary at best since right and wrong are only a matter of perception and open to change.
Under this belief system, there are no true answers to real problems. We can come up with our own solutions based on our desires and assumptions. We take our problem, and we search for an answer we like. This implies we aren't really looking for the answer, since it may not only exist outside of what we "like", but it may exist outside of what we believe. After all, if we knew everything, then we wouldn't be looking for answers in the first place.
Under this belief system, there is nothing after this life, so there is no purpose to things we experience. If stuff just happens, just because, then there is no understanding to seek. Everything that nothing created, when "nothing exploded", is just on a random course of nothingness, so we had better cover our butt and watch out for number one. After all, we only have less than 100 years to exist, so we had better get the most out of it because... Because why? We won't remember it when we die under this belief system. We just return to nothingness, and become "one" with the caprice and wanton universe as it continues to randomly created and destroy itself whenever "nothing" gets tired of doing something.
Under this belief system, there are no concrete answers. There are no absolutes, and nobody has "the answer", because that too is only a matter of perception. We seek marriage counseling, family counseling, personal counseling, life counseling, and yet to no avail. The world system is based on this belief system. What is right to you, may not be what is right to me, so there is no right. That means we all need to get together, a democracy, and have as many people as possible put their opinion of what is right out there until we have some kind of a majority rule on the subject. This system worked well in Nazi Germany in the 1940's. The majority conceded that it was "right" to perform mass genocide, so they did. And why not? There is no price to pay for what we do. We are nothing after all, so who is really effected and who cares about how someone else, who is "nothing", feels? Why should we care?
If there is a God, then we were created on purpose, for a reason. That means there are such things as truth, right, wrong, integrity, and purpose because they are based on the Creator's own opinion on the different subjects. The Creator would be the source of all of these things, since it is Him we came from. There are different ideas of what the existence of God means, but most of the different opinions are derived from either lack of logic or lack of knowledge.
80% of America "claims" to be Christian and believe in God. Most people think that God exists, created everything, but that He has no involvement in everyday life. Kinda like He is doing a complete "hands off" project to see how everything works out. Like a science experiment. This logic is flawed, because if in fact there is a God, then that would have to mean that He exists outside of all things created. This would inevitably include time, which would mean that the end result of His creation is not unknown to Him. In fact, God's existence outside of time would even imply that the purpose and end of His creation was determined before time began. The Bible very clearly addresses this fact as predestination, and the world accepts the ideas of destiny and fate accordingly. If God doesn't exist outside of all things created, then that would mean that He too was created, which would mean that He is not God, and that there is even one greater since there must be some sort of origin.
Webster's defines God as:
capitalized: the supreme or ultimate reality: as
If there is no God, and everything just created itself out of nothing, then there is no such thing as truth, right, wrong, integrity, nor purpose. We have no purpose in this life. We are simply blips in an infinite cycle of nothing, creating itself and destroying itself for no apparent reason and to no apparent end. We have the brief period of our life span to party like a rock star, go until the wheels come off, and no consequences for anything we do in this life. There are no parameters, nor moral obligation aside from that which we impose upon our self, and nobody to be accountable to unless we get CAUGHT breaking some man imposed law which is arbitrary at best since right and wrong are only a matter of perception and open to change.
Under this belief system, there are no true answers to real problems. We can come up with our own solutions based on our desires and assumptions. We take our problem, and we search for an answer we like. This implies we aren't really looking for the answer, since it may not only exist outside of what we "like", but it may exist outside of what we believe. After all, if we knew everything, then we wouldn't be looking for answers in the first place.
Under this belief system, there is nothing after this life, so there is no purpose to things we experience. If stuff just happens, just because, then there is no understanding to seek. Everything that nothing created, when "nothing exploded", is just on a random course of nothingness, so we had better cover our butt and watch out for number one. After all, we only have less than 100 years to exist, so we had better get the most out of it because... Because why? We won't remember it when we die under this belief system. We just return to nothingness, and become "one" with the caprice and wanton universe as it continues to randomly created and destroy itself whenever "nothing" gets tired of doing something.
Under this belief system, there are no concrete answers. There are no absolutes, and nobody has "the answer", because that too is only a matter of perception. We seek marriage counseling, family counseling, personal counseling, life counseling, and yet to no avail. The world system is based on this belief system. What is right to you, may not be what is right to me, so there is no right. That means we all need to get together, a democracy, and have as many people as possible put their opinion of what is right out there until we have some kind of a majority rule on the subject. This system worked well in Nazi Germany in the 1940's. The majority conceded that it was "right" to perform mass genocide, so they did. And why not? There is no price to pay for what we do. We are nothing after all, so who is really effected and who cares about how someone else, who is "nothing", feels? Why should we care?
If there is a God, then we were created on purpose, for a reason. That means there are such things as truth, right, wrong, integrity, and purpose because they are based on the Creator's own opinion on the different subjects. The Creator would be the source of all of these things, since it is Him we came from. There are different ideas of what the existence of God means, but most of the different opinions are derived from either lack of logic or lack of knowledge.
80% of America "claims" to be Christian and believe in God. Most people think that God exists, created everything, but that He has no involvement in everyday life. Kinda like He is doing a complete "hands off" project to see how everything works out. Like a science experiment. This logic is flawed, because if in fact there is a God, then that would have to mean that He exists outside of all things created. This would inevitably include time, which would mean that the end result of His creation is not unknown to Him. In fact, God's existence outside of time would even imply that the purpose and end of His creation was determined before time began. The Bible very clearly addresses this fact as predestination, and the world accepts the ideas of destiny and fate accordingly. If God doesn't exist outside of all things created, then that would mean that He too was created, which would mean that He is not God, and that there is even one greater since there must be some sort of origin.
Webster's defines God as:
capitalized: the supreme or ultimate reality: as
a: the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe.
Under this belief system we will all face our Maker one day. We will all be held accountable for the things we do in this life, and that there is an after life. Right and wrong are absolutes, and our conscience attests to this. We are more than able to sear our conscience that we may justify the things we want, but we each know the difference between right and wrong because God has given us a remnant of His Spirit. Everything we do has an end and purpose.
Under this belief system there are concrete answers to every question we seek the answer to, and the only inhibitor to us finding the answer is our willingness to look outside of what we want or believe. A person's acceptance of this belief system varies only because of our desire to keep God isolated in certain area's of our lives. Of course this is a fallacy, since if God truly is God, then how can that which is made hide any part of itself from Him who did the making? We are so foolish in our logic on the subject.
I have been asked not to talk about God so much. I have been ridiculed because I think God has something to do with everything. Is this really so silly? By very definition God is EVERYTHING. There is NOTHING more supreme, or beyond Him, or He is not God. So many people try to put God in a box, apply restraint and limitations to Him, and then still call Him God. What!?!? Where is the logic behind that one? The "supreme or ultimate reality" does NOT fit in any box we can conjure up ourselves, or He is not God. Period! How I wish people would take the time to assess what they really believe.
I believe the Bible is the infallible word of God, and I believe that God created everything for His own glory. Not out of obligation, but simply just because He wanted to. I believe God owes us nothing, for who are we compared to Him that He should even pay heed to us? I believe God has placed eternity in our hearts to give us a longing for Him, and that despite our finite existence to such an infinite being that we are His greatest treasures and He loves us.
This being said, I believe that EVERY single thing is of Him, through Him, and to Him. I also believe that God's purpose in our lives is to mold us into the image of Christ. Being humble, nonjudgmental, honest, living in truth, trusting in God entirely, living for others in the name of love, bold, fearless, and completely self-sacrificing is what brings God glory. This is what His desire and purpose is for us. To become His children, and become like His Son. Jesus Christ brings glory to God the Father.
It is with these beliefs that we are able to see things differently from the rest of the world. With this belief system, we confidently approach situations which arise in life knowing that NOTHING happens in vain. We are able to look at the trials and events in life, and see them through a different perspective. When something happens, it is for us to grow and become more like Christ. Keep this in mind Christian as you face each new day. Do not worry about the future, for God has it all ready figured out, but seek peace in your life by trusting in who He is. Faith, and every other principle of God's, goes entirely against the world system. God provided the answer to EVERY single problem by giving us Jesus Christ. Rest securely in that, and in Him, and do not let the poor logic and foolish pride of the world take away or distort such simple truth.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
My Testimony (Part 1)
It doesn't matter what someone else has to say to us, unless we are humble enough to be able to receive it. Every one of us is right in our own eyes, and it requires humility and wisdom to be able to accept what another has to say when it is in contradiction to our beliefs. Though the things I am sharing are based in simple truth and facts, each of us must arrive at our own conclusions. There comes a time in our lives where we seem to just "wake up", and "get it". This is a defining turning point that we will never be able to forget. A moment of clarity where we are able to objectively see things about our self, and accept the truth for what it is. I want to share this moment from my life.
In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.
During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.
There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.
After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.
In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.
During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.
There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.
The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.
While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.
I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.
There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.
In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.
In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!
I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.
In 2007 my fiance was pregnant with our daughter. We separated numerous times, and I kicked her out of the house every time. I justified my behavior, because "she was just impossible to get along with, and all we did was fight". Besides, I had my ex-girlfriend that really wanted to make things work, and we didn't fight. It was a comfortable relationship, so maybe that would be better for my life long term.
During this time in my life I was a selfish, hurtful, person. I didn't care about how my choices impacted anybody else, and quite frankly I couldn't even see it for what it was. If people didn't see things my way, then that was their problem. I was who I was, and I shouldn't have to change for anyone. If my fiance couldn't just love me and be nice, to my expectations, then I didn't need her around. I wanted, needed, to be loved, and if she couldn't love me then I didn't have to put up with it.
There was a long period of time in there that we remained separated. I knew I loved her, but I was so angry because she just wouldn't love me back. I hated her because of the way I felt. I just wanted to be loved, and she did not make me feel loved.
After spending some time with my ex-girlfriend I found that even though that relationship was comfortable, it was not fulfilling. There was a reason why we had gone our separate ways, so we stopped seeing each other again. I was drinking a lot then and being a promiscuous slut. In August of 2007 I was arrested for a misdemeanor DUI, which was a felony probation violation. In spite of all the money I was making doing mortgages, my life was empty. I was not happy, and my dreams were eluding me. I just wanted to be loved, to be happy, and to find rest.
In January of 2008 I appeared before one of my two judges for my probation violation. I was sentenced to six months in county jail, but was given three weeks to get my affairs in order. The consequences from my selfish behavior were forcing me to evaluate my life. I realized that I had to take control, and do something. I knew what I wanted, but I had to decide if I was man enough to own up to my mistakes, swallow my pride, and go after it.
During this time, my fiance was living in a house that her mom owned. The night before my daughter was born, my life changed dramatically. I made the choice to pursue what I wanted out of life. I wanted to make my fiance my wife, make things right, and have a family. From that night forward, I was determined to follow my heart, regardless of the fears and pain. I went to her, and I knew I wanted to stay.
There was so much damage I had done though, and this was not my choice alone to make. As the time approached for me to begin my term of incarceration I told my fiance she could move back in to our house. I had business lines of credit that she could use while I was away to pay the bills and take care of her and our daughter so that she wouldn't have to work.
The day after I turned myself in, I went before my second judge for the probation violation on that case. This time the judge sent me to prison. I had no idea what to expect. We immediately filed a motion for leniency. After 90 days the judge re-instated my probation, and moved me to the Ada County Jail to serve an additional six months. Three months into it, the jail allowed me to go to house arrest supervision so that I could get back to work to provide for my family.
While I was incarcerated I came clean on every single thing I had ever done to wrong my fiance. I wanted to air all of my laundry so that we could put things behind us, and move on with our lives. I agreed that I would never speak with my ex-girlfriend again. Not because she wanted me to, but rather just because it was the right thing for me to do. I was going to be man enough to do whatever needed to be done.
I got home on August 15, 2008, almost exactly seven months after I left, and that very month our business lines maxed out. I was in the mortgage industry, and it was going to take me more than 90 days just to rebuild my pipeline. We started missing payments, and things really started to get difficult.
There was so much damage I had done to my lovely wife though, that it was going to take much more to ever make things right. I did the best I could to try and make my family what I knew it could be. In October of 2009, my fiance finally became my wife. There was still so much resentment and anger on her part for the things I had done, and I was unable to deal with them. I just didn't understand why we couldn't just be happy. I had never tried harder at anything in my life, and it was coming completely unraveled.
In the spring of 2010 I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I just wanted to die. The reality of my selfishness was so very evident during this time period. I had two children and a wife who needed me so badly to be strong, and be the man they needed me to be. Sadly enough, I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me, because I hurt so bad. I played poker for about three months straight, and never wanted to go home. I neglected my wife, whom I wanted so bad to love me, which was obviously contradictory to my actions. I neglected my children, my obligations, and I drank knowing full well that it was a violation of my terms of probation. I didn't care anymore. I had tried my hardest, and it wasn't enough. I was a failure, and I was never going to feel loved nor have the life I so desperately wanted.
In July of 2010 my PO came by the house, and caught me drinking. I was arrested that night, and then released in the morning. He told me that he was going to have me do 10 days discretionary time, and then I could work on finishing off my probation. I didn't really care about the legal consequences though. Something had to give!
I few nights later I was putting my daughter to bed, and I prayed one of the most sincere prayers of my life to that point. I asked God to make me the man my wife and kids needed me to be. I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't ask him to make me feel better. I asked him to MAKE me the man that THEY needed me to be. A week later, almost two years to the date since I came home in 2008, my PO came by the house and arrested me on an agent's warrant. The judge had denied the request for discretionary time and told my PO to violate me. My life was about to change in a way that I could never have imagined as God reached out in answer to my prayer and moved his plan into action.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Now what?
As we begin to see the destruction and pain that our own selfishness has spawned over the course of our lives, we should feel a great sense of remorse. This is a natural occurrence. If we are truly accepting accountability for the consequences of our actions, and if we care at all about those people we have hurt, then we should feel the burden of regret. Don'tm run from this, and do not minimize it in order to avoid the personal pain and reality of what we have done in our life. Yes... We are responsible, and yes we have hurt a great deal of people.
It is not our perception that is relevant at this point. It does not matter if we think we were right. It does not even matter if we were right. It does not matter if we can validate or justify our actions. This is a time of truth, reflection, and seeing things from another person's perspective. Here is a perfect example of our natural tendency...
A husband and wife, who obviously have made a commitment to love one another, often exhibit behavior that is damaging to one another. A man and a woman are so different from one another, that it requires great mutual effort in communication to continue to grow together. Since the woman DOES not think like her husband, he is going to have to be patient with her when trying to convey his thoughts and feelings. He may get frustrated though, maybe even angry, and may even say hurtful things to his wife. He might tell her she is dumb or that she just never gets it, and he may feel more than justified in feeling the way he does. He probably even believes that it is her that is the problem.
So far, this situation is subjective. We need to look at things objectively, in a simple matter of fact perspective. If we love someone, why would we ever want to belittle them and make them feel stupid? Yet alone tell them such! Isn't that an oxymoron? We do it all the time though, and don't even realize it. This is a toxic situation. As the husband continues the emotional and mental abuse of his wife, she will begin to withdraw. She will lose her desire to even talk with her husband out of fear of being attacked, and feeling put down.
To objectively look at situations in our lives, we need to remove "us" from the picture. Better yet, if we can, put our self in the other person's shoes. Do you think this man's wife feels loved when he treats her like that? Does the fact that he believes he should be easier to understand give credibility to his cruel and hurtful attack on his wife? If this man really loves his wife, wouldn't the proper behavior to be exhibited toward her be one of patience and tolerance? So why would anyone treat somebody they love in such a way?
We can give all kinds of minor "surface" reasons, but the root is ALWAYS selfishness. We could say that the other person just never gets it, and we just get tired of trying. That root is selfishness. We could say that they have done so many hurtful things to me, so I just don't care anymore. That root is selfishness.
This realization was manifest in my life in a very profound way in the summer of 2010. I remember telling my wife, "I love you so much!" Her response forever changed my world. She told me, "It doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how I feel, and I don't feel loved." Wow! How true was that! How can we possibly love people as much as we can, and yet they still don't feel loved? If we love someone, shouldn't them knowing and feeling that love be the natural byproduct? If they don't feel loved, then that should raise the question to whether we really love them or not. If we do really love them, then what is preventing us from loving them in such a way that they know it and feel it? It is because we are not seeing things objectively, but rather only subjectively through our own selfish reality. We love ourself more.
Now what do you see? How many things are there throughout our lives where we have brutally hurt and attacked people in our lives, leaving deep wounds and pain? Our wives, our husbands, our children, our friends, our brothers, and our sisters have all suffered due to our selfishness. None of us are perfect, and none of us can say that we don't exhibit selfish behavior. This is the beginning.
Do not be overwhelmed with the regret, as genuine love and compassion will demand that we have great remorse. If we don't feel the weight, then one of two things is happening. Either we are not accepting accountability, or we are so cold and calloused that we no longer allow our self to feel. If we do not allow our self to feel, to open up and be real, then we can never move forward from where we are. Nobody will ever be able to get in to love us, and we will never be able to love. If our heart is broken from the pain of our failures, then there is great hope us! We are at the only place that true change happens. The point of brokeness and acceptance that finally makes us ready to move forward. Let it resenate within us, for this deep feeling is going to be the very catalyst that we will use to push us to limits never before thought possible. The truth of the pain we have caused, the desire to change it, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make things different. Does it hurt bad enough that we are willing to do whatever it takes to set things right?
It is not our perception that is relevant at this point. It does not matter if we think we were right. It does not even matter if we were right. It does not matter if we can validate or justify our actions. This is a time of truth, reflection, and seeing things from another person's perspective. Here is a perfect example of our natural tendency...
A husband and wife, who obviously have made a commitment to love one another, often exhibit behavior that is damaging to one another. A man and a woman are so different from one another, that it requires great mutual effort in communication to continue to grow together. Since the woman DOES not think like her husband, he is going to have to be patient with her when trying to convey his thoughts and feelings. He may get frustrated though, maybe even angry, and may even say hurtful things to his wife. He might tell her she is dumb or that she just never gets it, and he may feel more than justified in feeling the way he does. He probably even believes that it is her that is the problem.
So far, this situation is subjective. We need to look at things objectively, in a simple matter of fact perspective. If we love someone, why would we ever want to belittle them and make them feel stupid? Yet alone tell them such! Isn't that an oxymoron? We do it all the time though, and don't even realize it. This is a toxic situation. As the husband continues the emotional and mental abuse of his wife, she will begin to withdraw. She will lose her desire to even talk with her husband out of fear of being attacked, and feeling put down.
To objectively look at situations in our lives, we need to remove "us" from the picture. Better yet, if we can, put our self in the other person's shoes. Do you think this man's wife feels loved when he treats her like that? Does the fact that he believes he should be easier to understand give credibility to his cruel and hurtful attack on his wife? If this man really loves his wife, wouldn't the proper behavior to be exhibited toward her be one of patience and tolerance? So why would anyone treat somebody they love in such a way?
We can give all kinds of minor "surface" reasons, but the root is ALWAYS selfishness. We could say that the other person just never gets it, and we just get tired of trying. That root is selfishness. We could say that they have done so many hurtful things to me, so I just don't care anymore. That root is selfishness.
This realization was manifest in my life in a very profound way in the summer of 2010. I remember telling my wife, "I love you so much!" Her response forever changed my world. She told me, "It doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how I feel, and I don't feel loved." Wow! How true was that! How can we possibly love people as much as we can, and yet they still don't feel loved? If we love someone, shouldn't them knowing and feeling that love be the natural byproduct? If they don't feel loved, then that should raise the question to whether we really love them or not. If we do really love them, then what is preventing us from loving them in such a way that they know it and feel it? It is because we are not seeing things objectively, but rather only subjectively through our own selfish reality. We love ourself more.
Now what do you see? How many things are there throughout our lives where we have brutally hurt and attacked people in our lives, leaving deep wounds and pain? Our wives, our husbands, our children, our friends, our brothers, and our sisters have all suffered due to our selfishness. None of us are perfect, and none of us can say that we don't exhibit selfish behavior. This is the beginning.
Do not be overwhelmed with the regret, as genuine love and compassion will demand that we have great remorse. If we don't feel the weight, then one of two things is happening. Either we are not accepting accountability, or we are so cold and calloused that we no longer allow our self to feel. If we do not allow our self to feel, to open up and be real, then we can never move forward from where we are. Nobody will ever be able to get in to love us, and we will never be able to love. If our heart is broken from the pain of our failures, then there is great hope us! We are at the only place that true change happens. The point of brokeness and acceptance that finally makes us ready to move forward. Let it resenate within us, for this deep feeling is going to be the very catalyst that we will use to push us to limits never before thought possible. The truth of the pain we have caused, the desire to change it, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make things different. Does it hurt bad enough that we are willing to do whatever it takes to set things right?
Friday, October 19, 2012
Look Deeper!
This process is not a simple reflection. We are going to have to take time, and put in effort to be able to see things for what they really are. Don't give up! In the world we live in today, most of us don't think. We just don't know how, because we haven't been taught. Instead of owning and controlling our thoughts, we tend to be docile and allow things to own us.
Think about all the things we do for amusement. Watching TV, playing games, texting, and watching movies are all perfect examples. Think about how much time the average person spends in front of a television watching meaningless shows about nothing. Hours are lost just absorbing another person's ideas and propaganda, and most of the content viewed does not promote any real processing of the information. We just suck it up like a sponge. Our minds are weak and darkened by the lack of use.
Muse means "to think". The word amusement literally means "to not think". If we spend so much time not thinking, is it really any wonder that we are not used to the exertion of thought? The evolution theory states that we are getting bigger, better, and smarter. I believe the opposite is true. We are getting dumber, weaker, and more lethargic. Things are not getting better. We continue to become technologically advanced, but that is to our own demise. We no longer think for ourselves, so how can that be an improvement?
Our mind is a muscle. If we don't exercise it, can we really expect it to function at its fullest capacity? What happens when we don't lift weights, when we don't put our muscles to use? They become weak and only operate within the parameter of their frequent application. In order to increase the use and ability of our muscles, we MUST exercise them. We don't just wake up one day and find that we can lift much more than we previously could. It is a process which requires hard work, discipline, and commitment to achieve desired gains. This process of becoming cognitively aware, my friends, is the same in nature. After all, we are talking about a muscle.
As we are examining our self, our life, we need to consider something that will help us see things you have missed in the past. As we begin to accept truths about life, about who we are, we begin to realize that EVERY single thing that has ever gone wrong in our lives are ALL a direct result of selfishness. Think about this for a minute. When our pride is hurt, we respond irrationally by saying or doing things that are contrary to what we want out of life. We say hurtful things to our wife, or yell at our kids when "we" feel hurt or overwhelmed. We do something that could be harmful to another person, physically or emotionally, because we aren't thinking about them. We are only thinking about us.
This is fact. Every single one of us falls into this category. This is innate behavior for all of us, though the extent obviously varies by the person. We may even do compassionate things at times for others, but the selfishness thrives deep within us. We must come to terms with this truth before we can move forward. EVERYTHING is all about us, and herein lies the core of our problems. Why would we lie to someone we love, hence showing such blatant disrespect? Because we don't really care how we hurt that person. We care about us more. Why would you cheat on the person you love, whether it is physically, emotional, or just in your mind? Because we are putting our needs or desires before our spouse's needs and desires.
Can you see it? Does this make sense? Why do we do what we do? I promise you that it is because "it is all about us". So often people are depressed, unmotivated, and hopeless. The institutions of our world will tell us that it is because of some event, or some other person, and tell us that we are validated in our current state of mind. That is a lie. These symptoms are a RESULT of OUR response to some event, or some other person. Depression... Lack of Motivation... Hopelessness... These are huge hurtles for someone to overcome, especially if we can't even see the cause.
All three of these states of being exist because of selfishness. They are simply the manifestation of a big pity party we are having for our self because of something that happened. Poor us. Poor me. We MUST come to a true and clear perspective of who we are, and why we are that way, BEFORE we can do anything about it. Look deeper! Keep searching! Get rid of the excuses, the blame, the justification, and get real with our selves! Our lives depends on it.
Think about all the things we do for amusement. Watching TV, playing games, texting, and watching movies are all perfect examples. Think about how much time the average person spends in front of a television watching meaningless shows about nothing. Hours are lost just absorbing another person's ideas and propaganda, and most of the content viewed does not promote any real processing of the information. We just suck it up like a sponge. Our minds are weak and darkened by the lack of use.
Muse means "to think". The word amusement literally means "to not think". If we spend so much time not thinking, is it really any wonder that we are not used to the exertion of thought? The evolution theory states that we are getting bigger, better, and smarter. I believe the opposite is true. We are getting dumber, weaker, and more lethargic. Things are not getting better. We continue to become technologically advanced, but that is to our own demise. We no longer think for ourselves, so how can that be an improvement?
Our mind is a muscle. If we don't exercise it, can we really expect it to function at its fullest capacity? What happens when we don't lift weights, when we don't put our muscles to use? They become weak and only operate within the parameter of their frequent application. In order to increase the use and ability of our muscles, we MUST exercise them. We don't just wake up one day and find that we can lift much more than we previously could. It is a process which requires hard work, discipline, and commitment to achieve desired gains. This process of becoming cognitively aware, my friends, is the same in nature. After all, we are talking about a muscle.
As we are examining our self, our life, we need to consider something that will help us see things you have missed in the past. As we begin to accept truths about life, about who we are, we begin to realize that EVERY single thing that has ever gone wrong in our lives are ALL a direct result of selfishness. Think about this for a minute. When our pride is hurt, we respond irrationally by saying or doing things that are contrary to what we want out of life. We say hurtful things to our wife, or yell at our kids when "we" feel hurt or overwhelmed. We do something that could be harmful to another person, physically or emotionally, because we aren't thinking about them. We are only thinking about us.
This is fact. Every single one of us falls into this category. This is innate behavior for all of us, though the extent obviously varies by the person. We may even do compassionate things at times for others, but the selfishness thrives deep within us. We must come to terms with this truth before we can move forward. EVERYTHING is all about us, and herein lies the core of our problems. Why would we lie to someone we love, hence showing such blatant disrespect? Because we don't really care how we hurt that person. We care about us more. Why would you cheat on the person you love, whether it is physically, emotional, or just in your mind? Because we are putting our needs or desires before our spouse's needs and desires.
Can you see it? Does this make sense? Why do we do what we do? I promise you that it is because "it is all about us". So often people are depressed, unmotivated, and hopeless. The institutions of our world will tell us that it is because of some event, or some other person, and tell us that we are validated in our current state of mind. That is a lie. These symptoms are a RESULT of OUR response to some event, or some other person. Depression... Lack of Motivation... Hopelessness... These are huge hurtles for someone to overcome, especially if we can't even see the cause.
All three of these states of being exist because of selfishness. They are simply the manifestation of a big pity party we are having for our self because of something that happened. Poor us. Poor me. We MUST come to a true and clear perspective of who we are, and why we are that way, BEFORE we can do anything about it. Look deeper! Keep searching! Get rid of the excuses, the blame, the justification, and get real with our selves! Our lives depends on it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Drive
Most people want more from life, but unfortunately they are unsure how to bring their hopes and dreams to fruition. People tend to give up on ever expecting more than what they have, and as a result they live a miserable existence. I want to talk about that step. The step of change that most of us seem unable to take.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." - King Solomon. As I mentioned in my first blog, we always assume change is external. That is a lie. Change is done internally. It begins with how we think, and our thoughts become manifest through our actions. I will give some clear examples...
You and I could go to the gym together. We could have worked out for the same amount of time in our life. We could eat the same foods, and take the same supplements. I promise you though, that if my mind set is fixed on the goal, and yours isn't, my results will far supersede yours.
All the time I see people post things about getting in shape, losing weight, or getting healthier in general. The idea is great, but how to make those goals a reality most people just don't have. We all have the capacity, but it takes commitment, determination, and willingness to make sacrifices to manifest that capacity.
We are a docile people. We are lazy and complacent in general. We must fight to be alive, or accept that we will simply survive from day to day. Most of us don't realize that we are headed somewhere. We are never stagnant. Either we are progressively improving, or we are progressively deteriorating. There is no middle ground.
Just as a person starts to become depressed, they become lethargic, eating habits worsen, weight starts coming on, and health starts decreasing is a downward spiral, so is it when a person becomes energized, they begin to eat better, they start getting in shape, and their health gets better. You don't just change one aspect of your life. You change your life, and then the aspects change!!
Does life hurt bad enough, that you are finally at a place where you are willing to do whatever it takes to reach higher levels, or are you still perfectly content being apathetic? If you don't want to hear what I have to say, then you don't have to keep reading. If you want more, and you are ready to push yourself, then spend some time thinking. Examine yourself. Are you REALLY willing to do whatever it takes?
"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." - King Solomon. As I mentioned in my first blog, we always assume change is external. That is a lie. Change is done internally. It begins with how we think, and our thoughts become manifest through our actions. I will give some clear examples...
You and I could go to the gym together. We could have worked out for the same amount of time in our life. We could eat the same foods, and take the same supplements. I promise you though, that if my mind set is fixed on the goal, and yours isn't, my results will far supersede yours.
All the time I see people post things about getting in shape, losing weight, or getting healthier in general. The idea is great, but how to make those goals a reality most people just don't have. We all have the capacity, but it takes commitment, determination, and willingness to make sacrifices to manifest that capacity.
We are a docile people. We are lazy and complacent in general. We must fight to be alive, or accept that we will simply survive from day to day. Most of us don't realize that we are headed somewhere. We are never stagnant. Either we are progressively improving, or we are progressively deteriorating. There is no middle ground.
Just as a person starts to become depressed, they become lethargic, eating habits worsen, weight starts coming on, and health starts decreasing is a downward spiral, so is it when a person becomes energized, they begin to eat better, they start getting in shape, and their health gets better. You don't just change one aspect of your life. You change your life, and then the aspects change!!
Does life hurt bad enough, that you are finally at a place where you are willing to do whatever it takes to reach higher levels, or are you still perfectly content being apathetic? If you don't want to hear what I have to say, then you don't have to keep reading. If you want more, and you are ready to push yourself, then spend some time thinking. Examine yourself. Are you REALLY willing to do whatever it takes?
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Where to look?
Too easily we look around us, searching for something to place blame on for the way things are. We want to blame this person, or that person, for the way they treat us and the way we feel. We look at things external, and make them liable for things which are happening internally. How is this logical? A person thinks things will be better when they have more money, when they move, or when they meet Mr./Mrs. Right. The idea that a person's life is contingent upon anything external is a fallacy. Two people could experience the same situation, but both of them have a different perception. This perception is what gives credibility and justification to their emotions. It is the internal analysis, thought process, which determines the direction and outcome of a person's life...
I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.
The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.
I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.
Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.
I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.
The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.
I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.
Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.
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