I share what I share because my privacy is of no great relevance. I do not seek affirmation or honor from men, but rather from God. I know that I am not alone in my struggles, and I know that by sharing what I have been given it may help someone else who is enduring similar situations. My only intent is to share what God has placed on my heart, and the details are His to figure out. If you hear something in my words, it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with you and God. As a servant of the one true King, my obligation is to obey. I trust Him with everything I am, so I submit to His will. I know it is easy for people to read the things I write, post, or support, and then to pass judgment on me. So be it. God knows my heart. The things I share may not be for that person. However, the person whom God intended to reach will be reached. This is why I do what I do. This is why I am who I am. I desire the best for each person God has placed in my circle of influence. If I kept my mouth shut about the greatest news in the all of creation, how much could I really care about any one of you?
Isaiah 55:11
“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”
Showing posts with label Yielding to God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yielding to God. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Today
It is never too late for us to return to God. His call is constant, His love unfailing, and His forgiveness complete. He simply desires us to turn to Him with our whole heart. The price is already paid for every sin we have ever committed, and all we have to do is trust Him to perform according to His Word.
The hardest thing for us to do is to see our self for who we really are. So many of us are so calloused and disillusioned that we think we are just fine without Him, but we aren't. Our depravity is deep, and permeates every aspect of our lives. Before we can turn to God with our whole heart, we must realize we need Him. We must see our shortcomings and failures for what they really are. They are wretched, damaging, and hurtful to everyone around us, yet alone our selves, and there is nothing we can do of our own accord to change them. If there were, we would not need a Savior and Jesus would not had to have given His life to redeem us.
If God is calling you, tugging on your heart, do not let the guilt and shame of the realization of the thing you have done keep you from turning to Him for healing. He forgives you, He loves you, and He already knows all that you have done. Today can be the day of your salvation. Today can be the day that you are set free from all of the pain, guilt, shame, and failure. Today you can turn to the Lord, call on His great Name, and trust Him to do what we cannot do of our own accord.
Think about it. Does it hurt bad enough yet? How much more must you, and more importantly your loved ones, endure before it does hurt bad enough. There is no short cut. There is no other way. There are more "self-help" programs and ideas in the world today than ever before, and the violence and divorce rates continue to climb at exponential rates. If the world had the answer, this would not be. There is one answer, and one name which we can be saved from our great depravity. Jesus of Nazareth, God come in the flesh to His people to offer life, and life more abundantly.
The hardest thing for us to do is to see our self for who we really are. So many of us are so calloused and disillusioned that we think we are just fine without Him, but we aren't. Our depravity is deep, and permeates every aspect of our lives. Before we can turn to God with our whole heart, we must realize we need Him. We must see our shortcomings and failures for what they really are. They are wretched, damaging, and hurtful to everyone around us, yet alone our selves, and there is nothing we can do of our own accord to change them. If there were, we would not need a Savior and Jesus would not had to have given His life to redeem us.
If God is calling you, tugging on your heart, do not let the guilt and shame of the realization of the thing you have done keep you from turning to Him for healing. He forgives you, He loves you, and He already knows all that you have done. Today can be the day of your salvation. Today can be the day that you are set free from all of the pain, guilt, shame, and failure. Today you can turn to the Lord, call on His great Name, and trust Him to do what we cannot do of our own accord.
Think about it. Does it hurt bad enough yet? How much more must you, and more importantly your loved ones, endure before it does hurt bad enough. There is no short cut. There is no other way. There are more "self-help" programs and ideas in the world today than ever before, and the violence and divorce rates continue to climb at exponential rates. If the world had the answer, this would not be. There is one answer, and one name which we can be saved from our great depravity. Jesus of Nazareth, God come in the flesh to His people to offer life, and life more abundantly.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Alive!
While I was incarcerated, I was probably reading my Bible about 6 hours a day. I could not get enough. I was filled with life, hope, purpose, and energy. My life no longer was a hopeless, aimless event that was just passing me by, but had become an event of which I was an active participant. For the first time in my life, I was alive! Truly alive, and I could feel it coursing through my body and mind. I would wake up with a smile and I would go to sleep with a smile, and I was in prison! One of the guys who slept by me told me that he just didn't get it. He said, "You are the happiest person I have ever known, and you are in prison. On top of that, you don't have a TV, or food, or anything. You have nothing but your Bible, yet you are happier than guys who have everything." It was because God had given me life. As I devoured His Word, I was filled with Life, and that Life overflowed into everything I did.
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.
- John 6:63
There was nothing that could snuff out what God had given me. I was free and alive, and my life was vibrant even in the darkest of circumstances. There is no way to ever describe this peace and hope with simple words. I knew that no one could touch me unless God allowed them to. I knew that I would leave that prison when the appointed time came which God had already determined, and I knew that that time would be when I was ready to face the next season of life. Because I believed God, and took Him at His word, that faith infused in me great hope and peace. The promises of God are irrevocable, and He will perform His Word!
No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.
- Isaiah 54:17
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
- Romans 8:28
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
- Romans 8:31
For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.
- 2 Corinthians 1:20
For the first time in my life I truly understood the gospel, and the good news of what God has done for us. Though I was a horrible, selfish, sinful man, God loved me enough to allow His Son to die for me and pay for the due penalty for my sins. He loved me, and chose me. He called me unto Himself, for His purpose, to fulfill His plan. I didn't have to be perfect, which is great news since I am not! I just had to be me. Be real with God, trust Him entirely, and be open and honest in all things. Before I was ever a twinkle in my father's eyes, God knew me and destined me for great things. This is His promise to all who believe and belong to Christ. There is one Holy Spirit, and one God. As God does not give the Spirit with partiality, we are either an heir to the promises, because we are in Christ, or we are not. There is nothing in between.
For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God does not give the Spirit by measure.
- John 3:34
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
- Jeremiah 1:5
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11
If we are indeed filled with the Holy Spirit, which is the evidence of a person who belongs to Christ, then we are indeed made a son or daughter of God. Wrap your mind around that for a minute! An heir to the throne of Almighty God!!! For no other reason that it pleased Him to do so! If we can't be thankful for that, then we have some serious problems.
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
- John 1:12-13
It is through faith that we are established. All of the things I had chased after all of my life, yet could never obtain, were finally mine. I didn't have to search for happiness anymore. I didn't have to struggle with doing stuff to make myself feel better. As I stated before, there are no words to properly convey what this feeling feels like. Complete peace and purpose... In Him I had all that I had ever desired. This will not make any sense to those who reject God, but for those who belong to the Lord, even if they are not yet there, these things will strike a cord deep within your soul.
So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
- Isaiah 55:11
For us, there is great hope!! Lift your eyes to heaven and praise the name of the Lord! If we will just trust Him, He promises that we will not be put to shame.
“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore."
- Isaiah 54:4
This has been a great blessing to me as I have written this. Hopefully it blesses you as it did me. God is so good!!! The way I felt then is just as powerful within me today. There is nothing that anyone can do to move me from what God has given me!
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.
- John 6:63
There was nothing that could snuff out what God had given me. I was free and alive, and my life was vibrant even in the darkest of circumstances. There is no way to ever describe this peace and hope with simple words. I knew that no one could touch me unless God allowed them to. I knew that I would leave that prison when the appointed time came which God had already determined, and I knew that that time would be when I was ready to face the next season of life. Because I believed God, and took Him at His word, that faith infused in me great hope and peace. The promises of God are irrevocable, and He will perform His Word!
No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.
- Isaiah 54:17
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
- Romans 8:28
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
- Romans 8:31
For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.
- 2 Corinthians 1:20
For the first time in my life I truly understood the gospel, and the good news of what God has done for us. Though I was a horrible, selfish, sinful man, God loved me enough to allow His Son to die for me and pay for the due penalty for my sins. He loved me, and chose me. He called me unto Himself, for His purpose, to fulfill His plan. I didn't have to be perfect, which is great news since I am not! I just had to be me. Be real with God, trust Him entirely, and be open and honest in all things. Before I was ever a twinkle in my father's eyes, God knew me and destined me for great things. This is His promise to all who believe and belong to Christ. There is one Holy Spirit, and one God. As God does not give the Spirit with partiality, we are either an heir to the promises, because we are in Christ, or we are not. There is nothing in between.
For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God does not give the Spirit by measure.
- John 3:34
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
- Jeremiah 1:5
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
- Jeremiah 29:11
If we are indeed filled with the Holy Spirit, which is the evidence of a person who belongs to Christ, then we are indeed made a son or daughter of God. Wrap your mind around that for a minute! An heir to the throne of Almighty God!!! For no other reason that it pleased Him to do so! If we can't be thankful for that, then we have some serious problems.
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
- John 1:12-13
It is through faith that we are established. All of the things I had chased after all of my life, yet could never obtain, were finally mine. I didn't have to search for happiness anymore. I didn't have to struggle with doing stuff to make myself feel better. As I stated before, there are no words to properly convey what this feeling feels like. Complete peace and purpose... In Him I had all that I had ever desired. This will not make any sense to those who reject God, but for those who belong to the Lord, even if they are not yet there, these things will strike a cord deep within your soul.
So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
- Isaiah 55:11
For us, there is great hope!! Lift your eyes to heaven and praise the name of the Lord! If we will just trust Him, He promises that we will not be put to shame.
“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore."
- Isaiah 54:4
This has been a great blessing to me as I have written this. Hopefully it blesses you as it did me. God is so good!!! The way I felt then is just as powerful within me today. There is nothing that anyone can do to move me from what God has given me!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Christian
Before any of us can come to Christ, we must first reach a point that we realize we need Him. It is so easy for us to go through life and believe that we "really aren't that bad". This belief is perpetuated by our ability to compare our self to other people, judging them, and thereby justifying our actions because we just aren't as bad as the other person. This is foolishness, but this is what we do.
A Christian is someone who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. These terms are sadly used so loosely that what they really mean is lost in ambiguity. People profess themselves to be a Christian just because they believe in Jesus and God. This is not what it means to be a Christian, but it is this pretense that allows nearly 85% of Americans to profess themselves Christians. They don't know what they are professing, and are using the name of the Lord God in vain.
Let us define these words, and examine the truth behind the declaration of a Lord and Savior. The concept of a lord is lost to us today, but the concept is still easily defined. Webster defines lord as : a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due. Jesus preeminence is clearly defined in John 1:1-3:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.
Again and more clearly in Colossians 1:9-18:
For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence.
His preeminence is the right to which all service and obedience are due Him. It is not the FACT of Jesus lordship that is questionable, but rather our subjection to His lordship. Webster defines a subject as: one that is placed under authority or control: as b (1): one subject to a monarch and governed by the monarch's law (2): one who lives in the territory of, enjoys the protection of, and owes allegiance to a sovereign power or state. If Jesus Christ is Lord of our lives, then when He says jump, we ask how high. If Jesus is our Lord, then we are in turn His subjects. If we declare that Jesus is Lord, yet continue to do as we please in direct rebellion to His command, then we are liars. It is an oxymoron for a subject to tell his lord "No". Once again the rules of logic say that either He is Lord, hence we are obedient, or He is not, and we do as we please.
The second part of being a Christian is accepting Jesus as Savior. Well... First of all we need to realize we need a savior. If we believe the lie that we are just fine, since we aren't as bad as the next guy, then we can never see the truth of our own sin. We must come to accept the FACT that WE ARE sinners. We are wretched at the core, and the sin that is within us brings great pain and destruction not only in our own lives, but also in the lives around us. For most of us, our stubborn pride will not allow us to reach this point, yet alone comprehend it.
I used to believe that I had to be strong. I used to believe that I just had to "man up" and push my way through. I used to believe that I was a "self made man". I used to believe that I didn't need God, because I was just fine without Him. It was only after I realized that my best wasn't good enough to achieve the dreams I had for my life, that I realized I couldn't do it in my own power. I realized that at my best I still hurt the ones I loved. At my best, I still failed to be the man my family needed me to be. It was ONLY when I accepted that I was a sinner, that I continuously fell short of the mark, that I came to terms with the FACT that I need a savior. So it is with all of us.
Only those who the Father draws can come to Jesus, and only those who Jesus chooses to reveal the Father to can come to know the Father. God loves us so much, that He will do what must be done for us to get on our knees and return to Him. He is life, and without Him we are dead. Out of His great love for us, He will not let us remain in our sin. What an awesome God we serve!
No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day.
- John 6:44
All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.
- Matthew 11:27
I pray fervently that if any of us are living a lie, professing to be a Christian when it is quite obvious we have not subjected our self to His Lordship, that the Holy Spirit will bring conviction and that we will desire to be at peace with our Lord.
A Christian is someone who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. These terms are sadly used so loosely that what they really mean is lost in ambiguity. People profess themselves to be a Christian just because they believe in Jesus and God. This is not what it means to be a Christian, but it is this pretense that allows nearly 85% of Americans to profess themselves Christians. They don't know what they are professing, and are using the name of the Lord God in vain.
Let us define these words, and examine the truth behind the declaration of a Lord and Savior. The concept of a lord is lost to us today, but the concept is still easily defined. Webster defines lord as : a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due. Jesus preeminence is clearly defined in John 1:1-3:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.
Again and more clearly in Colossians 1:9-18:
For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence.
His preeminence is the right to which all service and obedience are due Him. It is not the FACT of Jesus lordship that is questionable, but rather our subjection to His lordship. Webster defines a subject as: one that is placed under authority or control: as b (1): one subject to a monarch and governed by the monarch's law (2): one who lives in the territory of, enjoys the protection of, and owes allegiance to a sovereign power or state. If Jesus Christ is Lord of our lives, then when He says jump, we ask how high. If Jesus is our Lord, then we are in turn His subjects. If we declare that Jesus is Lord, yet continue to do as we please in direct rebellion to His command, then we are liars. It is an oxymoron for a subject to tell his lord "No". Once again the rules of logic say that either He is Lord, hence we are obedient, or He is not, and we do as we please.
The second part of being a Christian is accepting Jesus as Savior. Well... First of all we need to realize we need a savior. If we believe the lie that we are just fine, since we aren't as bad as the next guy, then we can never see the truth of our own sin. We must come to accept the FACT that WE ARE sinners. We are wretched at the core, and the sin that is within us brings great pain and destruction not only in our own lives, but also in the lives around us. For most of us, our stubborn pride will not allow us to reach this point, yet alone comprehend it.
I used to believe that I had to be strong. I used to believe that I just had to "man up" and push my way through. I used to believe that I was a "self made man". I used to believe that I didn't need God, because I was just fine without Him. It was only after I realized that my best wasn't good enough to achieve the dreams I had for my life, that I realized I couldn't do it in my own power. I realized that at my best I still hurt the ones I loved. At my best, I still failed to be the man my family needed me to be. It was ONLY when I accepted that I was a sinner, that I continuously fell short of the mark, that I came to terms with the FACT that I need a savior. So it is with all of us.
Only those who the Father draws can come to Jesus, and only those who Jesus chooses to reveal the Father to can come to know the Father. God loves us so much, that He will do what must be done for us to get on our knees and return to Him. He is life, and without Him we are dead. Out of His great love for us, He will not let us remain in our sin. What an awesome God we serve!
No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day.
- John 6:44
All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.
- Matthew 11:27
I pray fervently that if any of us are living a lie, professing to be a Christian when it is quite obvious we have not subjected our self to His Lordship, that the Holy Spirit will bring conviction and that we will desire to be at peace with our Lord.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Christianinty
Most people that call themselves Christians, do so just because they at least say that they believe in God and in some form of Jesus. This is a diluted, perverted, and distorted idea twisted into reality by man. For the most part, it is their story so they can tell it like they want, but a person's story does not alter truth.
Jesus makes it very clear what we must do to follow Him. Following Him is the natural consequence of a person trusting IN Him. Everyone knows there is a God, but being a Christian is being like Christ. Jesus' entire life was to glorify the Father. If we are not following Jesus, then we are by no means a Christian and, in fact, are taking the name of the Lord in vain. There are some simple facts that line this out, that maybe we can properly evaluate whether we are in fact Christians, or if we are lying to ourselves.
Just believing there is a God is NOT enough.
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
These demons that believe in God and tremble, do so for a valid reason, proving that believing God exists does not count one as a Christian.
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:"
-Matthew 25:41
There will be a day of judgement.
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left."
-Matthew 25:31-33
"The day of judgment is certain to come. And it will be like a red-hot furnace with flames that burn up proud and sinful people, as though they were straw. Not a branch or a root will be left. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken! But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays, and you will jump around like calves at play. When I come to bring justice, you will trample those who are evil, as though they were ashes under your feet. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken!"
-Malachi 4:1-3
"Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
-Revelation 20:11-15
"And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power; when he shall come to be glorified in his saints, and to be admired in all them that believe (because our testimony among you was believed) in that day."
-2 Thessalonians 1:7-10
There are absolute differences between a Christian and non-Christian.
"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
"Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
-Matthew 25:34-46
No one has an excuse for not glorifying God as God.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
-Romans 1:18-23
What if a person doesn't know of Jesus, or isn't "called" a Christian?
"For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law (for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified; for when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) in the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.
-Romans 2:12-16
The word "Christian" was made up by men to coin those who followed Christ. As in the verse above, every single one of us knows the difference between right and wrong. We are more than capable of searing our conscience or justifying our actions, but it doesn't change the underlying principles of what we are doing. Some people call them selves Christians, who are not, and some people are Christians, but do not call them self such. The bottom line is the intent of our heart. Are we thankful to God, glorifying Him for His greatness and mercy, striving to do what is right because we know it is right, or are we bitter, angry, denying God, and doing what we please because we could careless about what is right.
In this world today it is a common belief that right and wrong are ambiguous. That we are each god in our own right, and that we are the "masters of our own destiny". All of these beliefs deny God and who He is. It is our foolish pride rising against the truth of God, because we do not want to submit to anyone. Such foolishness indeed!
"Woe to those who seek deep to hide their counsel far from the Lord, and their works are in the dark; they say, “Who sees us?” and, “Who knows us?” Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?"
-Isaiah 29:15-16
What a Christian looks like.
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
-John 14:6
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.""
-Matthew 16:24-25
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit."
-1 Peter 4:1-6
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”"
-1 Peter 4:8
" Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter."
-1 Peter 4:12-16
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."
-1 John 2:3-6
"Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
-1 John 3:13-23
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:7-19
Our faith in Jesus Christ is manifest by our obedience, in love.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If we call our self a Christian, then we should live it. NOT professing something we do not know, making our self a liar. It is ONLY by our love for one another that we are separated from the world. It does NOT matter what we say. It does NOT matter what we call our self, or what our verbal declaration is. Is what matters is how we live. Are we laying our lives down for others, putting away our selfish pride, or are we bitterly contesting for "what we deserve".
I know full well the things I have done in my life, and I do not want what I deserve for them. I desire mercy, for I am a horrible man who has done horrible things. I am a sinner, selfish, and destructive, and I deserve death for my sins against God and the people He placed in my life. I believe Jesus, out of love, paid the entire price for the sins I have committed. God did this because He loves us, and all we need to do is believe in the sacrifice He made for us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16
For this I am so very thankful! This amazing gift God has given us... Life, forgiveness, a clean slate, hope, and love... Freely we have received, so freely we are to give!
Jesus makes it very clear what we must do to follow Him. Following Him is the natural consequence of a person trusting IN Him. Everyone knows there is a God, but being a Christian is being like Christ. Jesus' entire life was to glorify the Father. If we are not following Jesus, then we are by no means a Christian and, in fact, are taking the name of the Lord in vain. There are some simple facts that line this out, that maybe we can properly evaluate whether we are in fact Christians, or if we are lying to ourselves.
Just believing there is a God is NOT enough.
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
These demons that believe in God and tremble, do so for a valid reason, proving that believing God exists does not count one as a Christian.
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:"
-Matthew 25:41
There will be a day of judgement.
"When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left."
-Matthew 25:31-33
"The day of judgment is certain to come. And it will be like a red-hot furnace with flames that burn up proud and sinful people, as though they were straw. Not a branch or a root will be left. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken! But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays, and you will jump around like calves at play. When I come to bring justice, you will trample those who are evil, as though they were ashes under your feet. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken!"
-Malachi 4:1-3
"Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire."
-Revelation 20:11-15
"And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power; when he shall come to be glorified in his saints, and to be admired in all them that believe (because our testimony among you was believed) in that day."
-2 Thessalonians 1:7-10
There are absolute differences between a Christian and non-Christian.
"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
"Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
"Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
"Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
-Matthew 25:34-46
No one has an excuse for not glorifying God as God.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
-Romans 1:18-23
What if a person doesn't know of Jesus, or isn't "called" a Christian?
"For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law (for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified; for when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) in the day when God will judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.
-Romans 2:12-16
The word "Christian" was made up by men to coin those who followed Christ. As in the verse above, every single one of us knows the difference between right and wrong. We are more than capable of searing our conscience or justifying our actions, but it doesn't change the underlying principles of what we are doing. Some people call them selves Christians, who are not, and some people are Christians, but do not call them self such. The bottom line is the intent of our heart. Are we thankful to God, glorifying Him for His greatness and mercy, striving to do what is right because we know it is right, or are we bitter, angry, denying God, and doing what we please because we could careless about what is right.
In this world today it is a common belief that right and wrong are ambiguous. That we are each god in our own right, and that we are the "masters of our own destiny". All of these beliefs deny God and who He is. It is our foolish pride rising against the truth of God, because we do not want to submit to anyone. Such foolishness indeed!
"Woe to those who seek deep to hide their counsel far from the Lord, and their works are in the dark; they say, “Who sees us?” and, “Who knows us?” Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it, “He did not make me”? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, “He has no understanding”?"
-Isaiah 29:15-16
What a Christian looks like.
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."
-John 14:6
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.""
-Matthew 16:24-25
"Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit."
-1 Peter 4:1-6
"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”"
-1 Peter 4:8
" Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter."
-1 Peter 4:12-16
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."
-1 John 2:3-6
"Do not marvel, my brethren, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
-1 John 3:13-23
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:7-19
Our faith in Jesus Christ is manifest by our obedience, in love.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7
If we call our self a Christian, then we should live it. NOT professing something we do not know, making our self a liar. It is ONLY by our love for one another that we are separated from the world. It does NOT matter what we say. It does NOT matter what we call our self, or what our verbal declaration is. Is what matters is how we live. Are we laying our lives down for others, putting away our selfish pride, or are we bitterly contesting for "what we deserve".
I know full well the things I have done in my life, and I do not want what I deserve for them. I desire mercy, for I am a horrible man who has done horrible things. I am a sinner, selfish, and destructive, and I deserve death for my sins against God and the people He placed in my life. I believe Jesus, out of love, paid the entire price for the sins I have committed. God did this because He loves us, and all we need to do is believe in the sacrifice He made for us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
-John 3:16
For this I am so very thankful! This amazing gift God has given us... Life, forgiveness, a clean slate, hope, and love... Freely we have received, so freely we are to give!
Monday, November 26, 2012
My Testimony (Part 6)
I was locked in a four man cell for about 20 hours a day while I was in Ada County, and then had the other four hours to eat, make phone calls, or socialize. I spent most of the time I was locked in the four man cell reading the Bible. Not because I was bored, and not because I wanted to pass the time. I had "passed" enough time in my life, and it was time to make it count for something. I read the Bible constantly, because I wanted what God had to offer. I wanted to know Jesus, to breath Jesus, so that I could be the man God made me to be.
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Up to this point in my life, I had believed that the only things that were relevant were the things around us. I had been so focused on the material, temporal world, that I didn't know that there was something other than that. Before I would read, I would pray. I would clear myself of anything and everything. I would humble myself before God, and acknowledge that I truly knew nothing. I would then ask God to show me what He wanted me to see, to talk to me, and then I would read with the hopeful expectation that God was answering my prayers.
Remember, I had reached the end of my ropes. God showed me that it was all or nothing, and that there was no fence. Either I trusted him entirely, or I did not trust Him at all. I had taken that step, with both feet in. Either God was real, and He was going to make good on His promises, or there really was no hope for me of ever becoming the man I so desperately wanted to be. I literally expected God to move, to speak to me, and to change me. In fact, my exact prayer was "Father, I surrender. I yield myself before you entirely, and I ask you to shape me and mold me into the man you made me to be. I no longer want my will in this life, but I want your will for me. I am Yours, and I need you to be God."
God delivered over and over again. Every single time I read His word, He shook my world. I wasn't in a race, so I read slowly, purposefully, just wanting to see what I was supposed to see. I could feel the peace and presence of God as I would read. I was at such peace, and I could feel His love for me.The problem was though, that when I quit reading I could tell that I was no longer resting in that peace. I would workout or play cards, and I could tell that I was back in the flesh. Just like that. I had read a verse though that told me that it was possible to always be in God's presence.
"If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
-Galations 5:25
So, I went to God with this prayer... "Father you say that we are able to walk in the Spirit, so I am asking you to make me to walk in the Spirit. " I knew that God wouldn't ask us to do something we couldn't do, and I no longer had any confidence in my own ability. I knew I could do it, because God said I could, but I also knew that I was incapable of accomplishing it. God had to do it for me. I set out after Him, insisting on Him answering my prayer and expecting Him to bring it to fruition.
This is how God answered me... He showed me that when I would quit reading, that I was allowing myself to wander in my thoughts. When I would sit and play cards, that I would begin to think of the past or the future. The key to abiding in God's presence is to be in the moment. To stay my mind on Him, and to be focused on the present moment. He showed me that I didn't need to let my mind wander, because if I truly trust Him then such thoughts are revealed as futile.
"Open the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
- Isaiah 26:2-3
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
-Luke 12:11-12
" For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:20-21
These verses showed me the logical application of abiding in the Spirit. God is absolutely sovereign. He PROMISES to take care of ALL of our needs. He PROMISES that He will add ALL of this other stuff to us if we will seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. If I trust God, truly taking Him at His word, then I have no need to worry about these other details. Allowing my mind to wander to other concerns is IN FACT lack of trust. He PROMISES to not only provide for me, but to also give me the words to speak.
I found so much freedom in this application, because I was able to remain in complete peace by yielding my every thought before Him. This allowed me to truly be in the moment, and to really LIVE that moment to it's fullest. I then found that I became much more observant of the things around me, and I was able to really hear what people were saying. I had no need to think of other things, if in fact I trusted God, and I could give my complete attention to the people around me.
God began to use me to reach out to the men around me. I was able to truly listen to what they had to say, and hear their needs. I began to care about their kids, their families, and could remember names. I had always said I had a memory problem, and that I just had bad short term memory. I realized through this experience that it was again my own selfishness that created the poor memory. Before learning how to abide in the Spirit, I was always thinking about my self. This obviously kept me from truly listening to anyone else. I cared more about what I was thinking about than what they were saying.
I found also that I quit judging people. For the first time in my life I was able to hear what they were saying, rather than what I thought they were saying. I was able to weigh out their words, and discern why they were saying the things they were saying. I could hear their fears, their pain, their regrets, their remorse... Then I was able to encourage them, and love them. For the first time in my life I was actually contributing to the lives around me.
As I have written this piece, I have been blessed by being given the reminder of how to return to being a vessel usable by God. I am far from perfect, and oh how I have continued to fall short and miss the mark! I just continue to get in the way. I am lured out of God's presence by my own desires, and then am rendered useless to those around me. It is a moment by moment struggle to abide in the Spirit. It is when I am not completely trusting God that I say or do things that are not conducive to me being the man God made me to be. What a great reminder this has been! When we don't trust God, in truth, then we are given over to futile thoughts, and our hearts become darkened. Salvation is truly in the moment, which means life is in the moment. May God bless us with His presence, and cause us to walk in the Spirit that we will be able to love and experience life to the fullest!
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Testimony (Part 5)
Making the choice to let go entirely of my hopes, dreams, desires, and life was difficult, but the application has been progressive. I knew that my life, as I knew, had just ended. I had no idea what lied ahead, but I knew it was necessary in order for me to become the man that my wife and kids needed me to be and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had made the choice and commitment to lay down my life, to die for my wife and kids, but now the application of such a commitment was revealed to me as a daily struggle.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
I prayed and read more fervently than I had at any other point in my life. God was all I had now, and He had to deliver on His promises. He had to save me from the wretched man that I knew I was. God continued to reveal Jesus Christ to me. His love. His patience. His truth. His faithfulness. His confidence. His peace. His kindness. His forgiveness. His hope. His purpose. His discipline. His mercy. His clarity. If ever there was a man that was worth aspiring to be like, it is Jesus Christ. If I would trust God, be obedient, and follow Jesus in full surrender then I could aspire to be like Him. Jesus is the man I want to be like, and I will do whatever He tells me to do toward that end.
Though God used my family as the catalyst to bring me before Him in humility, He quickly showed me that my life was no longer driven by the things of this world. In fact, Jesus makes a very clear depiction of what was required in order for us to follow Him. In order for me to become the man I wanted so bad to be, I would indeed follow.
"Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple."
-Luke 14:25-33
I was at a point in my life where I keenly understood this. As I was seeking the face of the Living God, my desires and fears continued to surface. The thoughts of my wife being with another man were gut wrenching, and the fears of losing her were so strong at times. I was faced with the very real fear of what if she doesn't like the fact that I live for God? What if she didn't like the man I was going to be? What if she didn't like the things I stood for? It was through these fears that Jesus' words carried such truth. I had to be willing to let her go. In fact, I had to be willing to lose her if that is what it came down to. I could not let my fears of what my wife might think keep me from pursuing what I knew must be. Without me learning to live like Jesus, then I could never love like Jesus, and I would be a fool to allow my fears to prevent me from chasing after such an amazing opportunity.
I understood this from a logical perspective too. If I didn't give my wife something to respect, by standing for something and not bending to her every whim, then she would obviously have nothing to respect. Not having a back bone and giving in to her every whim does not show my love for her. It is doing the right thing, in love, for the right reasons, regardless of if she wants me to or not that shows love. It is hard to do the right thing as long as fear has any foothold. I also knew that if my life was truly modeled after Jesus, in truth and deed, then my wife would want me to be that man. That is why she was so mad at me to begin with. I had miserably failed in all the areas where Jesus set a precedence.
From here on out, this was going to have to be all about Jesus. There was no other way. I could not worry about what my wife, kids, family, or friends were going to think. I was determined. God spoke to me with other verses that told me to keep my focus on Him and not be distracted by the things of the world.
"Look to Abraham your father, And to Sarah who bore you; For I called him alone, And blessed him and increased him.”
-Isaiah 51:2
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
-Colossians 3:2-3
As I was struggling with this constant battle within me, I found something unique that I had never before fully understood. We have the ability to take absolute control over every single thought. I had spent so much of my life being ran by my thoughts and emotions, that it was quite a new experience to be able to be in complete control of every thought all the time. If there was any thought of fear or doubt, I was able to cast it down and continue upon the course of thought I so desired. This concept is addressed in numerous places, but to experience it is almost surreal.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
-2 Corinthians 10:3-6
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:12
For the first time in my life I understood the truth and application of these verses. The battle was being waged within me. The war was full swing, and I had been losing all of these years. Though I was in a fight for my very life, I had never known it. As the thoughts of doubt and fear would come crashing against me, using the people or things that I desired most, the truths of God were all I had to keep them at bay. The truth of God, as revealed in His word and through Jesus, were the only weapon to fight away the thoughts that threatened to defeat me.
"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12
"Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."
-1 Timothy 4:15-16
With this clarity, I devoured the word of God and it brought me life. I quit trying to prove myself. I quit tying to sell myself. I quit trying to figure things out on my own. I knew that it was by my actions that people would see my progress, and my words had nothing to do with that. I was not doing this to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I knew very well that the direction of my life would come with great scorn. I would be estranged from many of the people I had previously associated with, and it was a very real possibility that even my wife would not support me. These things were very clear, and I accepted the cost in order to obtain what was offered.
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me."
-John 15:18-21
I knew well what I would go through to become the man God intended me to be, who my wife and kids need me to be. My life no longer mattered though, so I fought the battle the raged within. Relying entirely on God to protect me, to guide me, and to mold me into the man He made me to be. I prayed more, and I read more. Every word of God was relative to my life in some aspect, and I read with full expectation of God revealing His word to me. Oh how it cut and sliced through all the things I had learned and been taught. It required full surrender to be able to even see what God was saying, because what He says is always contrary to what the world says.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
My Testimony (Part 4)
I prayed more, and more. This was not just an idea. This was going to be real, and I was going to mean it. As I sought answers, a memory came to me. One I will never forget.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
It was November of 1999, and I was in Cottonwood, Idaho serving a four month retained jurisdiction program from when I had originally been convicted of my felonies. I had gotten in trouble four times while I was incarcerated, and was then in segregation. I had been sentenced for possessing meth, and for using a stolen credit card to rent a car. While I was up there, four more felonies were filed against me.
The courts sent me to Cottonwood to complete a substance abuse program, because every one of my charges was drug related. If I hadn't been all strung out, then I never would have committed any felonies. If I did not complete the class, then the courts would send me to prison. The class had a zero tolerance for absences, and I was going to be in segregation for the first two days of class.
So, there I was in the hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. Four new felonies pending. Four write ups on a program that was supposed to gauge my ability to follow the rules of probation. Going to miss the first two classes of my substance abuse program, which would automatically cause me to fail the class and subsequently the retained jurisdiction program.
At that time segregation was right next to the chapel. It was Sunday night, and class was supposed to start in the morning. They were singing worship songs in the chapel, and I could hear them. I remember just letting go and worshipping God with all of my heart. I had nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hope for. I was sure I was going to prison at the age of 20, and I was just going to praise God because I trusted Him. He was all I had.
It was this complete freedom that I was remembering. The moment of full surrender before God, in complete trust. I did not know what my future held, but I trusted whatever God had planned for me. There are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that exists in having a contrite, broken spirit before God. Though I accepted that I may well have been going to prison, I did not care. I accepted God's will in my life, and I was praising Him because I trusted Him. This is what "dying" felt like. My desires, hopes, and life no longer mattered. I surrendered all to God's will. He reminded me of this instance so that I knew, clearly, what it was I now had to do.
At that time in my life though, I was only 20 years old. I had no children. I didn't have a wife. I didn't have a house. I didn't own any businesses. I had nothing to lose, really. It is easy to give everything up when you don't have anything. Times were different now though. I had a wife that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I had children that I loved very much, and did not want to lose. I could really care less about the "stuff", but I really loved my family. I was scared to lose the things I loved and valued so much.
I then remembered how that story ended in 1999. I went to bed that night, and I had slept like a baby. The following morning, the first morning of class, I woke up to the sergeant opening my cell door. I stared at him through groggy eyes, and he told me to hurry up and get my stuff together or I was going to be late to class. I was absolutely dumbfounded. This should not have been happening! It only took me a few brief seconds to register what was taking place before I had rounded up all of my stuff and was on my way to laundry. I made it to class on time, and ended up completing the program. I ended up pleading guilty to two of the four felonies when I returned to Ada County, but I was allowed to serve my punishment under community custody rather than going to prison. God blessed me in an amazing way, and showed me that I could trust Him.
I was facing the absolute hardest decision I had ever made in my entire life. In order for me to "die", to take up my cross, I was going to have to surrender everything. My hopes, my dreams, my wife, my kids... everything about me... what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I may have wanted to know all had to come to an end. Some people who lack understanding say that Christianity is for the week minded. Those poor people have no idea. The world idea of "church" is just a bunch of actions, but the "dying" that is required to be reconciled to God is far from the easy way out. I was scared. I really didn't want to lose my family. My pride, my self, did not want to die.
I continued to pray more fervently, and I was reading even more. I could not get enough of what God was showing me. Every day was a eureka moment, and I believed that God would walk me through this terrifying choice that stood before me. God spoke to me powerfully through these verses.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:18
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
-1 John 4:8
I realized that I had to make a choice. Standing estranged from God I could never know love. Not love as the world knows it, but love as Jesus showed us. The kind of love I wanted to have for my wife and kids. The kind of love that would allow me to lay down my life for them. As I lived for me, the fear was legitimate because it was all about me. However, if I were to trust God, lay down my life, and follow Jesus, then He promises there is no fear there. What a truly defining moment in my life.
I had professed for years that I was a Christian and that I believed in God, so was this step really necessary? God showed me this verse...
"You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!"
-James 2:19
He then showed me through a study bible that the Greek word that was used for "trust" was the same Greek word that translated into "believe". In the original context Jesus wasn't just saying to believe in Him, He was saying to trust Him. There is a huge difference between believing in someone as being real, and then believing in them as in trusting them. God wanted me to trust Him entirely, without holding anything back. In the complete trust, the dying of self would happen simultaneously. Another application of simple logic. You can't have both ends. Either you trust God, or you don't. Either God will keep His word, or He won't. Either I will live for me, or I will live for God who is Love. It was all or nothing. God had made it very clear that there is no fence.
I was determined. This was a win/win situation. Just for the cost of my life, I would be able to love my wife and kids the way I knew they should be loved. It was time to prove that I would, in fact, die for my family. I was going to trust God. I was willing to lose my wife if that was what had to happen. I was willing to forfeit my children if God was going to take them. I was willing to go to prison if that was what it was going to take. I believed that God was going to mold me into the man my wife and kids needed, and I was willing to do whatever it took. I had tried everything else, and I had done my best. This was the only thing I had not yet tried. I yielded to God in complete sincerity and truth, and I cried. They were tears of fear, turned to tears of joy, of love, and of hope. I did it. I was man enough to lay down my life for my family, and now it was up to God to deliver on his promises.
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