Misperception

Every single one of us that has children wants the best for them. So many times though, we become confused as to what that looks like. We believe that our children need to be put before our spouse even, and we can easily find opinions of others to support this belief. If our children learn by example, then maybe we should really reconsider our belief on this topic. It is so easy to justify our inability to love someone unconditionally, and then to say that it is better for the children if we go our separate ways. This is a justification for our selfishness and is to the detriment of our children.

In reality our desire to give up on our marriage is because we care about us, and we are unwilling to give entirely of our self in love to another person. Saying that it is better for the children is just a way for us to excuse our self, and truly has nothing to do with them. It is absolutely in the best interest of the child to grow up in a home where the parents love each other, than for them to grow up in a broken home. If we give up on our marriage, we are just teaching our children that it is OK to give up. It is not OK!

If we give up and run all the time, then we will never have anything worth any value. Our relationships will be shallow, and short lived. There will never be any depth in our lives, and we will never come to know what true love is. The love that is patient, kind, humble, gentle, faithful, that does not envy, is not proud, is not rude, is not self seeking, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things we will never come to know, because through the trials that prove and manifest such love we run when the limits of that love are being tried and stretched.

If a husband and wife will love each other unconditionally, staying committed and bound together as one, their children will be given the perfect model of what to aspire to in life. The love of the family pulsates from the love of the parents, and likewise so does the strife. If we are showing our children what commitment, love, patience, tolerance, understanding, and communication look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior. On the other hand though... If we are showing our children what resentment, bitterness, intolerance, selfishness, unfaithfulness, lack of commitment, poor communication, and anger look like every single day by our interaction with our spouse, they will learn that behavior.

It does not take a rocket scientist to read the previous paragraph and determine which characteristics our children should learn for them to be the best person they can be. If our children are truly so important to us, then we need to love our spouse unconditionally and adhere to our commitment. We need to know that our relationship with our wife, or husband, is teaching our children all about life. Not just how to treat other people, but how to treat their spouse when that day comes. We are teaching them all about relationships, and how to deal with the people in their lives that they supposedly love.

Not only will our children exhibit this learned behavior in their lives down the road, but they exhibit the same today. Try this for 30 days. If we put away our selfish pride, our sense of entitlement, our resentments, our bitterness, and just love our spouse unconditionally for just 30 days we will be utterly surprised by the impact in our family's lives. Not only will your spouse be caught off guard, but our children will too. I know this will be hard for some of us because we are so set in our ways, but if we can just make it 30 days...

We do 30 day trials all the time. For this wait loss thing. For this body building supplement. For this money making idea... Why not for the most important thing we are given in this life? There is nothing more valuable and important in this life than those God has given us to love and care for. We will have to put all of our selfishness aside in order for us to be able to really love our spouse in a way that they will know and feel. Then, after the 30 days, we can go back to being a selfish, miserable, person if we so desire, or we may like the impact that was made and decide it is worth the self-sacrifice in order to have such a positive impact on our family.

To say that it is better for the children that a family separates is a lie, and a cop-out. The truth is that we are too selfish to love anyone else unconditionally, and since we are not willing to make the sacrifice to make things better it is easier to just run away. This does our children no favors. How much more value we add to our children's lives by showing them to never give up, keep their word, love, hope, and dream? The first and foremost relationship in a family is that of the husband and wife. Without this relationship being what it is meant to be, then all the other relationships will be strained.

If we truly care about the best interest of our children, then we will make sure that our marriage is solid and rooted in love. Then from the love we have for one another, we can raise our children together, leading and directing them in the same direction. It is the bond, love, and commitment between the husband and wife that overflow into the rest of the family. If you don't believe me, then try it over the next 30 days. Give everything you have to loving and respecting your spouse, regardless of how you may feel, and then see if your family is not different at the end of the trial.

Winds of Change

It is election time right now, and everyone is talking about how the future of the country rests on the man who is elected for president. There is no doubt about the moral and ethical depravity that permeates from our once great nation, and everyone recognized the great need for change. The problem is that we expect it to come from an outside source. We expect someone to take a leadership position, and then direct our lives via way of laws and mandates in order to get things back on track. This is ludicrous!

If we truly want to see change, guess where it MUST take place? In the home, in the family, is where the change must begin. We are where we are today as a country, not because of a single man's execution of his position, but rather because of the failure and collapse of the family institution. The change we so desperately need and desire must begin within the home. What we model for our kids is handed down to them, just as what our parents modeled was handed down to us.

Life is always in perpetual motion. Things are either getting better, or they are getting worse. As I have mentioned before, these are spiral effects that are compounded exponentially as our daily lives create ripples in the lives around us.

My heart burns for families, and I believe the man is the key to that revitalization. I believe the man is the one responsible for leading his family, and must lay down his life for them. If one man can learn to live for his family, instead of himself, then the results will be far reaching. His life will then make a profound positive impact in his wife's life, in his children's lives, and make a difference for generations.

A man that will put his pride, his desires, and his needs aside out of love for his family is a man that will be cherished and loved by his children and wife. As men though, we want the love, respect, and affection in order for us to make the sacrifices needed. This is so backwards from what is necessary, and why there are so many divorces today.

Nobody said it was going to be easy! In fact, if we were to ask anyone who has made it over 25 years being married, they would tell you it is hard work. I will say it again. ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! Why do we think traditional wedding vows include "for better or worse, till death do us part"? Things will get rough. There will be times we might not feel very loved or appreciated. There might be times we feel like giving up. But we can't. It doesn't matter how sorry we feel for our self. It doesn't matter how bad it hurts. We can't be cowards! We have to be the men our families need us to be, and this requires us to get over our self.

Let's us have some real talk. As a man, we have needs that are more specific to us than to women. We have a need to be respected, and we, typically, have a stronger libido. These are some of the things that make us feel loved. Likewise, our wives have certain things that make them feel loved. Our wives need to be able to trust us. Our wives need to feel valued and appreciated. Our wives need our time, walks on the beach, conversations about nothing, time scrap booking, and nice back rubs without us trying to turning it into sexual intercourse to feed our desires.

If our wife is willing to communicate to us something that she likes, then wouldn't doing that thing for her just because it makes her happy make sense, if we love her? If our wife says that a certain thing bothers her, then it is our obligation out of love to quit that activity. End of story. Yet we don't. We justify it, argue about it, and then do it anyway. Then, on top of that, we lie about it. What? Is this really what love looks like? Why then do we do it?

We do it, because we are still living for us. We do it, because we want to do what we want. We do it, because our own desires supersede the feelings and desire of our wives. This, gentlemen, is the truth. We can spin it however we want, and justify our actions however we want, but it does not change the facts.

Part of our justification process is placing the blame on our wife. We say that our wives are too controlling, that they don’t do anything for us, that they aren’t meeting our needs, or whatever else we can think of. Thing is though, these things might well be true, so we find validity using them as excuses.

Likewise, our wives do the same thing. “Why would I want to have sex with him, when he doesn’t do anything for me?” “Every time he rubs my back, or we do anything romantic, he always makes it about sex.” They are probably right too! Imagine that. The issue is that we each start to draw back from one another, becoming more and more selfish because our own needs aren’t being met.

Men… put down the video games, and give your wives some attention. Don’t do it because you are trying to get in their pants, but do it just because it makes them happy.

Women… respect your husband, and be supportive. This might be difficult at first, but he needs it. Have sex with him, and let him enjoy your body. We are wired differently, and in such a way that in order to meet each others needs so that we feel loved we HAVE to live for the other person.

There is a solution, and this is what I mean by laying down our life as men. Women may have to do this first if your husband is not quite mature enough, but one of us will have to take the first step. We HAVE to let go of our own needs, wants, and desires and just love the other person. Do whatever it is that is necessary to make them happy, to meet their needs, and fulfill their desires. This will NOT be easy, but the failure to do this is the cause of the increasing deterioration of the family unit.

Let me share this with you. If my wife were to make me feel loved and respected, I would be all the more eager to make her feel loved and respected. Makes sense doesn’t it? It is the lack of this kind of love that causes the reverse effect. If one of the two can be strong, love the other unconditionally, and put their own life to the side, then the other will continue to grow, blossom, and reach a point where they want to return that kind of love.

Remember that we are set in perpetual motion, and all things, whether good or bad, are manifest in a spiral effect. Life requires boldness, character, discipline, sacrifice, and commitment. So the question is whether or not we have these attributes to do what must be done. Understanding the truth is one thing, but doing something about it is a whole different story. A married couple MUST live for one another if their family is to survive.

Objective Evaluation

Why do we become annoyed with our loved ones? How is it that we can so easily be short with our spouse and children? These things happen to all of us, just some more than others. How come the ones we love sometimes tend to get the worst from us?

There are so many moments throughout the day that present opportunities for us to show those we love how much they really mean to us. Unfortunately we are blind to a lot of them. When our daughter is trying so diligently to get our attention while we are busy cooking or talking on the phone, or when our son is trying so hard to get our attention while we are watching the football game. These are golden opportunities for us to quit what we are doing, give our child our undivided attention, & let them know that they are more important to us than whatever "thing" we might have been doing.

Unfortunately though, in most cases, we show them just the opposite. We show them that whatever "thing" we might be doing is more important than them by either ignoring them, or give them a half-ass acknowledgement. This is obviously not intentional, since we all love our children, but this is definitely what we are showing them.

Actions speak louder than words, & we all know this to be true. We tell our children not to swear, but then we go & do it. What does the child do? Like father, like son. We tell our daughters that it doesn't matter what other people think of them, then we talk about how fat we are. What does our daughter learn? That it is important what other people think of us.

There is enough crap in this world already setting a horrible path for our children, the last thing we need to do is enforce it. It doesn't matter what we have, or don't have, yet we give everything we can into competing with the Jones'. The way we dress, the way we talk, the way we respond... All of these things our children are observing, & absorbing. We can't kid our selves. Our children will grow up to be EXACTLY like us.

Great responsibility rest on our shoulders as parents. If we truly want the best for our children, then we have to model it for them. We need to just take a long, hard, look at our self in the mirror, & ask if this is truly the life we want to give to our children. Most of us want our kids to marry a great spouse, be loved, have children, & enjoy a life of love & happiness.

We so readily give up on family & marriages, stress over money, and live a life short of what we want our children to have. We are setting the example. We are setting the bar. Our daughters will grow up looking for a man just like us, because we are showing them what a man looks like. Our sons will grow up and treat women how we treat women, because we are showing them how a man is supposed to act. Our daughters will grow up and treat their husband just like their mom has taught them, and our sons will grow up and look for a woman just like what mom has shown him a woman should be.

If we want the best for our children, we HAVE to SHOW them what that looks like. This requires us to quit looking at life through our narrow, selfish, perspective, and start to see things through a much different scope. Our innocent children's futures hinge on our every day life. What example are we setting for them today?

Acceptance

As we begin to see our self for who we really are, we stand at a crossroad. How easy it is to simply say that we aren't as bad as so and so. Remember though... This process is about us, not anyone else.

Part of the mold we have to break, the new thinking we MUST exercise, is to quit finding blame and to start finding SELF. It is not other people that are causing havoc in our lives. It is us that are responsible for where we are. It doesn't matter at all how we compare to another person, because we are NOT talking about their life here.

However, if we can see our failures for what they are, we then have an opportunity to change them. We have thus been able to define the problem acutely, so we can now come up with a solution. If only we could get rid of selfishness, we would be able to be the person we so desperately want to be. We would be able to love those in our life who need us so badly in such away that they would never wonder how much they mean to us.

Think about this logically. If you were loved in such away that you knew it, you could feel it, how much of a positive impact would that have in your life? Don't you want that for the people you love? Don't you want to be the wife your husband needs and wants? Don't you want to be the husband your wife needs and wants? Don't you want to be the parent your children need? Their life depends on it!

Whatever we have been doing so far is not getting us to where we want to be, so are we willing to try something different? If we continue to do what we have always done, we will continue to get what we have always got.

What I present to you is nothing new, but maybe you are finally at a place in your life where it will make more sense. People call it "The Golden Rule". Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This term has since been termed "The Golden Rule."

The concept is simple enough, but it is the application that proves to be difficult. It requires clear intent, continually, to be able to put this concept into practice. Simple application would be lying. Nobody likes to be lied to, but how often do we lie to others? The logical application is to obviously quit lying, yet that tendency is always there. The reason? Because we can justify our actions and behavior whenever we want to. We can say that it is none of their business. We can say that we just don't want to deal with it right now. We can say whatever we want to, and be more than justified in our own eyes.

Read that last paragraph again. Do you see that EVERY single excuse is selfish in nature? Not one of them has anything to do with the other person! We have the capacity to rationalize and justify absolutely ANYTHING we want to. This we MUST firmly grasp as we fight to take control of our thoughts and life.

Everyone is right in his own eyes. This, my friends, is the next huge step to breaking free of the chains that enslave us. We MUST realize that not only are we THE problem, but we are going to present the biggest hurtle we will face in the pursuit of the life we know is possible. We are in a fight for our life, and we are the one responsible for the losses accrued so far. You are about to take yourself head on into the biggest struggle you will ever face. You are going to have to fight, and conquer, your greatest adversary... YOURSELF!

Selfish

By this point, we have come to a clear acceptance of who we are as a person. We have put aside all of the excuses, all of the blame, all of the justification, and we are able to see the bare truth. Now, for the first time in our lives we are able to give a concise, non-bias, definition of who we are. We are selfish by nature. We are liars. We are manipulators. We are hurtful, and inconsiderate. We live for our self.

Even our love for our wife, husband, or children can be distorted by the love of our self. The world tells us, "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." This is a lie that simply perpetuates the self serving nature that writhes within us. No wonder our world continues to deteriorate around us at an alarming rate. Everything around us feeds the pride and lies of our self delusion. "Be strong!" "You deserve this!" "You deserve that!" "You have to love yourself first!" "Make sure you are happy first!" However, the real problem is that we love our self TOO MUCH!

We don't generally hear this shared though, and you know why? Everyone is out to make a buck, and guess what people pay the most for? What they want to hear. This is not what we want to hear though, because truth hardly ever is.

If selfishness is the cause of every single problem in our life, then wouldn't it make sense that if we could get rid of selfishness that we could change our life dramatically? So then, how do we conquer such an innate characteristic that we have allowed to dictate our entire life to this point?

The first step is realizing how much of a hold this disgusting plague has on us. I am going to challenge you to begin examining your thoughts throughout the day. Why do we think the way we do, and what is it we spend most of our time thinking about? We will find that we spend over 95% of our time thinking about our self. What we want, need... Even if we are thinking about something other than us it is ONLY because it is relevant to us in some way. Isn't that crazy!

Book after book has been written on "How to Win Friends & Influence People" based on using this self-centered attribute to appeal to a person's ego and pride in order to persuade and befriend them. Why do you think these sale tactics work so well? Wouldn't the success of such books and tactics give even more validity to the depth of the selfishness that abounds within each of us? Here is where most of us only feed the love of our self even more...

We come to the conclusion that most people are truly selfish, but it is others and not our self. We begin to point the finger at others rather than taking the opportunity to look at us. We judge others based on our limited experience and knowledge, and then condemn them because they don't do things the way we think they should. Selfishness to the very core!! Yet we are so blinded by our self delusion that we never even see it unless it is pointed out to us, and even then our tendency is to become defensive and put up our walls to keep from being hurt by the truth.

If it is true that other people are self centered, we shouldn't lie to our self and say that we are an exception. We are ALL self centered by nature. It is innate. As we settle with this fact, or at least open our self to the possibility, we will see it manifested in our daily life. Examine your thoughts, evaluate your motives for the things you say and do, and you determine for yourself what the driving force is behind what you do.

This is the next step, and we cannot skip it. We have to see how much this impacts our lives. It is not just in the big areas that brought us such remorse and regret, but rather is within EVERY single thought, ALL day long. Even when we drown out the reality of life by watching TV, playing games, or doing some other activity for AMUSEMENT, this too is selfish behavior because we usually do these things at the expense of those in our life who need our time and attention. This is serious business, but nobody ever talks about it.

What we have been doing is obviously not working. What the world has been sharing, teaching, and preaching is obviously not working. It is time to quit sugar coating things, and get serious.
I know this is hard to hear, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. Start to examine yourself daily. If we are willing to be honest with our self, we will see it in everything we do.

Where to look?

Too easily we look around us, searching for something to place blame on for the way things are. We want to blame this person, or that person, for the way they treat us and the way we feel. We look at things external, and make them liable for things which are happening internally. How is this logical? A person thinks things will be better when they have more money, when they move, or when they meet Mr./Mrs. Right. The idea that a person's life is contingent upon anything external is a fallacy. Two people could experience the same situation, but both of them have a different perception. This perception is what gives credibility and justification to their emotions. It is the internal analysis, thought process, which determines the direction and outcome of a person's life...

I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.

The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.

I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.

Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.