Objective Evaluation

Why do we become annoyed with our loved ones? How is it that we can so easily be short with our spouse and children? These things happen to all of us, just some more than others. How come the ones we love sometimes tend to get the worst from us?

There are so many moments throughout the day that present opportunities for us to show those we love how much they really mean to us. Unfortunately we are blind to a lot of them. When our daughter is trying so diligently to get our attention while we are busy cooking or talking on the phone, or when our son is trying so hard to get our attention while we are watching the football game. These are golden opportunities for us to quit what we are doing, give our child our undivided attention, & let them know that they are more important to us than whatever "thing" we might have been doing.

Unfortunately though, in most cases, we show them just the opposite. We show them that whatever "thing" we might be doing is more important than them by either ignoring them, or give them a half-ass acknowledgement. This is obviously not intentional, since we all love our children, but this is definitely what we are showing them.

Actions speak louder than words, & we all know this to be true. We tell our children not to swear, but then we go & do it. What does the child do? Like father, like son. We tell our daughters that it doesn't matter what other people think of them, then we talk about how fat we are. What does our daughter learn? That it is important what other people think of us.

There is enough crap in this world already setting a horrible path for our children, the last thing we need to do is enforce it. It doesn't matter what we have, or don't have, yet we give everything we can into competing with the Jones'. The way we dress, the way we talk, the way we respond... All of these things our children are observing, & absorbing. We can't kid our selves. Our children will grow up to be EXACTLY like us.

Great responsibility rest on our shoulders as parents. If we truly want the best for our children, then we have to model it for them. We need to just take a long, hard, look at our self in the mirror, & ask if this is truly the life we want to give to our children. Most of us want our kids to marry a great spouse, be loved, have children, & enjoy a life of love & happiness.

We so readily give up on family & marriages, stress over money, and live a life short of what we want our children to have. We are setting the example. We are setting the bar. Our daughters will grow up looking for a man just like us, because we are showing them what a man looks like. Our sons will grow up and treat women how we treat women, because we are showing them how a man is supposed to act. Our daughters will grow up and treat their husband just like their mom has taught them, and our sons will grow up and look for a woman just like what mom has shown him a woman should be.

If we want the best for our children, we HAVE to SHOW them what that looks like. This requires us to quit looking at life through our narrow, selfish, perspective, and start to see things through a much different scope. Our innocent children's futures hinge on our every day life. What example are we setting for them today?

Now what?

As we begin to see the destruction and pain that our own selfishness has spawned over the course of our lives, we should feel a great sense of remorse. This is a natural occurrence. If we are truly accepting accountability for the consequences of our actions, and if we care at all about those people we have hurt, then we should feel the burden of regret. Don'tm run from this, and do not minimize it in order to avoid the personal pain and reality of what we have done in our life. Yes... We are responsible, and yes we have hurt a great deal of people.

It is not our perception that is relevant at this point. It does not matter if we think we were right. It does not even matter if we were right. It does not matter if we can validate or justify our actions. This is a time of truth, reflection, and seeing things from another person's perspective. Here is a perfect example of our natural tendency...

A husband and wife, who obviously have made a commitment to love one another, often exhibit behavior that is damaging to one another. A man and a woman are so different from one another, that it requires great mutual effort in communication to continue to grow together. Since the woman DOES not think like her husband, he is going to have to be patient with her when trying to convey his thoughts and feelings. He may get frustrated though, maybe even angry, and may even say hurtful things to his wife. He might tell her she is dumb or that she just never gets it, and he may feel more than justified in feeling the way he does. He probably even believes that it is her that is the problem.

So far, this situation is subjective. We need to look at things objectively, in a simple matter of fact perspective. If we love someone, why would we ever want to belittle them and make them feel stupid? Yet alone tell them such! Isn't that an oxymoron? We do it all the time though, and don't even realize it. This is a toxic situation. As the husband continues the emotional and mental abuse of his wife, she will begin to withdraw. She will lose her desire to even talk with her husband out of fear of being attacked, and feeling put down.

To objectively look at situations in our lives, we need to remove "us" from the picture. Better yet, if we can, put our self in the other person's shoes. Do you think this man's wife feels loved when he treats her like that? Does the fact that he believes he should be easier to understand give credibility to his cruel and hurtful attack on his wife? If this man really loves his wife, wouldn't the proper behavior to be exhibited toward her be one of patience and tolerance? So why would anyone treat somebody they love in such a way?

We can give all kinds of minor "surface" reasons, but the root is ALWAYS selfishness. We could say that the other person just never gets it, and we just get tired of trying. That root is selfishness. We could say that they have done so many hurtful things to me, so I just don't care anymore. That root is selfishness.

This realization was manifest in my life in a very profound way in the summer of 2010. I remember telling my wife, "I love you so much!" Her response forever changed my world. She told me, "It doesn't matter how you feel. It matters how I feel, and I don't feel loved." Wow! How true was that! How can we possibly love people as much as we can, and yet they still don't feel loved? If we love someone, shouldn't them knowing and feeling that love be the natural byproduct? If they don't feel loved, then that should raise the question to whether we really love them or not. If we do really love them, then what is preventing us from loving them in such a way that they know it and feel it?  It is because we are not seeing things objectively, but rather only subjectively through our own selfish reality. We love ourself more.

Now what do you see? How many things are there throughout our lives where we have brutally hurt and attacked people in our lives, leaving deep wounds and pain? Our wives, our husbands, our children, our friends, our brothers, and our sisters have all suffered due to our selfishness. None of us are perfect, and none of us can say that we don't exhibit selfish behavior. This is the beginning.

Do not be overwhelmed with the regret, as genuine love and compassion will demand that we have great remorse. If we don't feel the weight, then one of two things is happening. Either we are not accepting accountability, or we are so cold and calloused that we no longer allow our self to feel. If we do not allow our self to feel, to open up and be real, then we can never move forward from where we are. Nobody will ever be able to get in to love us, and we will never be able to love. If our heart is broken from the pain of our failures, then there is great hope us! We are at the only place that true change happens. The point of brokeness and acceptance that finally makes us ready to move forward. Let it resenate within us, for this deep feeling is going to be the very catalyst that we will use to push us to limits never before thought possible. The truth of the pain we have caused, the desire to change it, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make things different. Does it hurt bad enough that we are willing to do whatever it takes to set things right?

Look Deeper!

This process is not a simple reflection. We are going to have to take time, and put in effort to be able to see things for what they really are. Don't give up! In the world we live in today, most of us don't think. We just don't know how, because we haven't been taught. Instead of owning and controlling our thoughts, we tend to be docile and allow things to own us.

Think about all the things we do for amusement. Watching TV, playing games, texting, and watching movies are all perfect examples. Think about how much time the average person spends in front of a television watching meaningless shows about nothing. Hours are lost just absorbing another person's ideas and propaganda, and most of the content viewed does not promote any real processing of the information. We just suck it up like a sponge. Our minds are weak and darkened by the lack of use.

Muse means "to think". The word amusement literally means "to not think". If we spend so much time not thinking, is it really any wonder that we are not used to the exertion of thought? The evolution theory states that we are getting bigger, better, and smarter. I believe the opposite is true. We are getting dumber, weaker, and more lethargic. Things are not getting better. We continue to become technologically advanced, but that is to our own demise. We no longer think for ourselves, so how can that be an improvement?

Our mind is a muscle. If we don't exercise it, can we really expect it to function at its fullest capacity? What happens when we don't lift weights, when we don't put our muscles to use? They become weak and only operate within the parameter of their frequent application. In order to increase the use and ability of our muscles, we MUST exercise them. We don't just wake up one day and find that we can lift much more than we previously could. It is a process which requires hard work, discipline, and commitment to achieve desired gains. This process of becoming cognitively aware, my friends, is the same in nature. After all, we are talking about a muscle.

As we are examining our self, our life, we need to consider something that will help us see things you have missed in the past. As we begin to accept truths about life, about who we are, we begin to realize that EVERY single thing that has ever gone wrong in our lives are ALL a direct result of selfishness. Think about this for a minute. When our pride is hurt, we respond irrationally by saying or doing things that are contrary to what we want out of life. We say hurtful things to our wife, or yell at our kids when "we" feel hurt or overwhelmed. We do something that could be harmful to another person, physically or emotionally, because we aren't thinking about them. We are only thinking about us.

This is fact. Every single one of us falls into this category. This is innate behavior for all of us, though the extent obviously varies by the person. We may even do compassionate things at times for others, but the selfishness thrives deep within us. We must come to terms with this truth before we can move forward. EVERYTHING is all about us, and herein lies the core of our problems. Why would we lie to someone we love, hence showing such blatant disrespect? Because we don't really care how we hurt that person. We care about us more. Why would you cheat on the person you love, whether it is physically, emotional, or just in your mind? Because we are putting our needs or desires before our spouse's needs and desires.

Can you see it? Does this make sense? Why do we do what we do? I promise you that it is because "it is all about us". So often people are depressed, unmotivated, and hopeless. The institutions of our world will tell us that it is because of some event, or some other person, and tell us that we are validated in our current state of mind. That is a lie. These symptoms are a RESULT of OUR response to some event, or some other person. Depression... Lack of Motivation... Hopelessness... These are huge hurtles for someone to overcome, especially if we can't even see the cause.

All three of these states of being exist because of selfishness. They are simply the manifestation of a big pity party we are having for our self because of something that happened. Poor us. Poor me. We MUST come to a true and clear perspective of who we are, and why we are that way, BEFORE we can do anything about it. Look deeper! Keep searching! Get rid of the excuses, the blame, the justification, and get real with our selves! Our lives depends on it.

Who Are You?

WHO ARE YOU? Most people cannot answer this fundamental question. If someone does give an answer to this question, they most frequently give a definition which is simply based subjectively on the things they do. Examples would be things like: “I am a good husband.” “I am a good wife.” “I am a basketball player.” “I am wealthy.” “I am poor.” None of these things are who a person is. They are all external from who a person is.

What if your husband died? Then you are no longer a wife. If you become injured and can no longer play sports, then you would no longer be a basketball player. What if you lost your job, subsequently losing all of your material possessions? You would no longer be wealthy. Based on subjectively defining yourself on external circumstances, then at the loss of any of them you become lost and undefined. What you have, and what you do, is NOT who you are.

WHO ARE YOU? What a basic question that is so difficult to answer! Most people never take the time to even search for this answer. How sad that so many of us go through life blindly not even knowing who we are. How can you change what you do not know?

If you keep getting in trouble with alcohol, then the world wants to tell you that you have an alcohol problem. WRONG! The alcohol is NOT the problem. We have institutions, classes, and legal systems that are structured on this misperception. External “things” are not the problem. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. A person who gets in trouble for drinking has no more of an alcohol problem than a person who shoots someone has a gun problem!

The problem, and therein the solution, lies within the person. You, who is reading this post, is looking for answers for a problem that you probably haven’t even defined yet. I challenge you to take a good hard look at who you are. What do you stand for? If you lie, then you are a liar. Whether you get caught or not, because who you as a person is internal and NOT based on external influence. Are you a cheater? Are you honest? Are you faithful, or are you a flake? This is for you, so be honest with yourself!

Until you can honestly describe who you are, you cannot make ANY real changes. Get real with yourself, and search out some honest answers. Are you a prideful person? Are you humble? Once you have come to a concise conclusion of who you really are, you can then examine yourself and decide if you are happy with the answer.

We are masters of lying to ourselves. We very easily distort reality, or simply hide from the truth, and place the blame and responsibility on everything but ourselves. We blame a bad relationship on the other person. We blame our job for our lack of success. We blame a rough day for our lack of commitment to get off our butt and go to the gym.

The blame lies squarely on our shoulders. Quit the BS, and get real! Accept accountability, accept the truth of who you are, and then do something about it! You are responsible, and it is going to require you digging deep to get anywhere! WHO ARE YOU?

Where to look?

Too easily we look around us, searching for something to place blame on for the way things are. We want to blame this person, or that person, for the way they treat us and the way we feel. We look at things external, and make them liable for things which are happening internally. How is this logical? A person thinks things will be better when they have more money, when they move, or when they meet Mr./Mrs. Right. The idea that a person's life is contingent upon anything external is a fallacy. Two people could experience the same situation, but both of them have a different perception. This perception is what gives credibility and justification to their emotions. It is the internal analysis, thought process, which determines the direction and outcome of a person's life...

I am new to writing, but I have been given something that I must share. I have a burning desire to encourage people, build them up, and see them live a life worth living. My heart bares a great burden for families, and I believe men are the key. Many people worry about changing the world, or the country, and I do agree that changes need to be made, but I believe change is accomplished one person at a time. It is to this end that I am persuaded to share the things I know with others who want to listen. One life impacts an exponential amount of people, for better or worse. I want to make a difference.

The things I will share are my personal experience, and my own struggles. None of this is hypothetical. I know these things, because I have lived them. All of my life I have pushed to be the best I could be. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to be good at basketball. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be happy. I chased after these things that I thought would bring fulfillment to my life, but I always found that once I had closed my hand around my desire that it was not what I was hoping... So I kept searching.

I would change this thing, or that thing, expecting some amazing result. I have changed everything around me, but I could never attain what I was so desperately seeking... I had three serious relationships in my life, but all three failed. They were all three completely different women, and I was the only common denominator. I realized at this point that the problems in my life were internal, that I was the problem. This was the first step to being able to become who I am today. I had to know what the problem was before I could fix it, and I had tried to place that blame on everything else except me. Once I began to examine who I was, I could begin to ascertain what I had to do to make things better.

Listen. If you are in a place in your life where it hurts bad enough for you to do something about it, then I can share some amazing things with you. The very fact you just read this says a lot about what you want out of life. Are you willing to look at yourself? Are you willing to put in some work, and accept some truths? If you want change bad enough, and you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you can achieve anything.